“I am such a loser.” “How could I be so stupid?” “How could I have been so irresponsible?” “I should have known better.” “I’m a fraud.” “I deserve what I get.” “I’m not important.” “I am a waste of time.”
When something in my life goes wrong, these are the kinds of thoughts that can dominate my thinking. Recovery teaches me that such thoughts are not part of the standard equipment my Creator gave me. They were instilled within by important people like preachers, parents, coaches and teachers. These were well-intentioned people who misunderstood how to help nurture and grow impressionable young minds. Their life instructions were tainted by their own childhood wounds.
The problem I have had with my parents and/or other authority figures is the same problem we’ve all had. All of them had parents! More so, their parents’ parents and their parents’ grandparents had parents too. So, who’s to blame for the presence of shaming self-talk? Everyone and no one. That’s why we refer to codependency and addiction as no fault diseases.
The nature of such diseases is that the twisted thinking and acting that goes with them gets handed down through the generations with little or no scrutiny.
When left unchallenged, diseased thinking and acting become normalized and go unnoticed. As I work my program, I am discovering that I have allowed some diseased thoughts to live rent free in my head. But through recovery, I am learning how to distinguish between which thoughts are mine and which thoughts come from others. I am also learning how to deal with them. Here are three ways I am doing this:
1. I ask if my thinking is based in reality and self-respect. If my mental messages are over-qualifying (i.e. you always, you never, you can’t, you won’t, etc.) or if they put negative labels on me (i.e. stupid, idiot, waste of time, etc.), then I know they came from the outside. Over-qualifying and disrespectful messages need to be scrutinized. I do not need to give such messages absolute power over me.
2. I outsource my thinking for analysis by others. At The Bridge to Recovery we call this “getting objective data” or “good orderly direction”. Sponsors and recovering peers are excellent resources for us as we scrutinize and expel the negative messages and shaming voices in our heads.
3. I ask if I am thinking redemptive thoughts. Shaming self-talk condemns and isolates me. It prevents me from seeing hope and getting help. Redemption speaks of new beginnings, new opportunities and new ways to embrace the mysteries that life generates. I know that shaming from the outside has infiltrated my thinking when I can’t see hope beyond my character defects.
When things in my life go wrong, I need to keep my thoughts in check. When I can distinguish between my own thoughts and shaming self talk from outside sources, my Higher Power helps me see clearly that I am loved and a part of something much bigger than me. When shaming self-talk is silenced, I am less likely to medicate the pain such messages produce in my life. I am more inclined to concentrate on the good, right and noble truths about whom I am and where I am going. Inevitably, this points me toward more positive ways of being in this world the way my Creator intended me to be.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 6
We have been taking a look at some of the common cover ups for toxic shame. When someone is shame bound, there is a tendency to do certain things in order to cover over the pain that shame produces. Sometimes the cover ups make little sense to outsiders. However, for the person experiencing the pain, any relief seeking behavior will suffice. That is true even when an outsider would think that the behavior would be even more pain producing. Throughout the past five entries, we have examined several common cover-ups for toxic shame. In our last entry, we talked about addiction or addictive behaviors. In our final entry on this subject, we will take a look at a phenomenon known as reenactment or repetition compulsion.
When a person has been interpersonally shamed as a child in a particular way, there may be a tendency for the shame bound person to gravitate toward the same type of behaviors in their adult lives. For example, if the person were shamed through extreme forms of verbal abuse as a child, there may be a compulsion for the adult to seek out the same type of people in which to be in relationships. It was Sigmund Freud who first observed this sort of behavior. He noticed that there is often a tendency to reenact social situations in an attempt to “master” certain experiences. Thus, when there has been no resolution for a particular shaming pattern, the shame bound person will look for that same behavior in others.
However, there is also an adverse reaction to the interpersonal shaming episodes from childhood. The child who was abused may develop the same type of behaviors in adulthood and act out the same type of behaviors that were acted out on them. Again, without resolution, the shame dictates the behaviors a child will carry into adulthood.
Without any resolution to the shame, the child grows into an adult carrier of the shame and will deal with it in ways that at times seem absurd or confusing to outsiders. The Bridge to Recovery helps people who compulsively act out the very behaviors that were acted out on them. There is hope and shame bound people can find relief from the repetition compulsion that cycles them in and out of counterproductive interpersonal relationships. For more information about The Bridge to Recovery, visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661.
When a person has been interpersonally shamed as a child in a particular way, there may be a tendency for the shame bound person to gravitate toward the same type of behaviors in their adult lives. For example, if the person were shamed through extreme forms of verbal abuse as a child, there may be a compulsion for the adult to seek out the same type of people in which to be in relationships. It was Sigmund Freud who first observed this sort of behavior. He noticed that there is often a tendency to reenact social situations in an attempt to “master” certain experiences. Thus, when there has been no resolution for a particular shaming pattern, the shame bound person will look for that same behavior in others.
However, there is also an adverse reaction to the interpersonal shaming episodes from childhood. The child who was abused may develop the same type of behaviors in adulthood and act out the same type of behaviors that were acted out on them. Again, without resolution, the shame dictates the behaviors a child will carry into adulthood.
Without any resolution to the shame, the child grows into an adult carrier of the shame and will deal with it in ways that at times seem absurd or confusing to outsiders. The Bridge to Recovery helps people who compulsively act out the very behaviors that were acted out on them. There is hope and shame bound people can find relief from the repetition compulsion that cycles them in and out of counterproductive interpersonal relationships. For more information about The Bridge to Recovery, visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 5
People suffering from induced interpersonal shame will attempt to appear normal. This is done through any number of toxic shame cover-ups. These cover-ups come in many different forms and include such behaviors as people-pleasing, patronizing, moralizing, caretaking and perfectionism. Shame bound people perceive these cover-ups to be short cuts for dealing with the pain they are carrying. In this entry we explore addiction and compulsive behaviors as another way people with induced toxic shame seek relief from the pain they are feeling.
Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.
The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.
Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.
If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.
The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.
Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.
If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 4
There are many ways that people will try to cover up the feelings of being bad, tainted, worthless and embarrassed that seem to go hand in hand with shame. Here we continue our conversation about some of the ways shame bound people try to deal with the pain. Three are explored here and they include patronizing, caretaking and people pleasing.
Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.
Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.
People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.
The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.
Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.
People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.
The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Common Toxic Shame Cover-Ups: Part 3
Today’s entry continues our conversation about common cover ups for toxic shame. Shame is a debilitating affect and at toxic levels, it prevents someone from living life as it was meant to be lived. If someone is bound up with toxic shame, the last thing s/he wants is to be exposed or “found out”. Thus, the cover-ups we have been discussing from John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Three more are discussed here and they are arrogance, criticism & blaming and judgmentalism & moralizing.
Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.
Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.
Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.
The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.
Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.
Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.
The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 2 -- Control and Rage
Today we are going to take a look at two more cover ups people use to deal with the pain inevitably produced by toxic shame. They are controlling maneuvers and rage.
Controlling Maneuvers –For someone who is bound by shame, making him/herself vulnerable opens up the possibility of being shamed all over again. Therefore, control maneuvers are enacted to prevent this from occurring. Controlling Maneuvers can manifest in a variety of ways. Three are discussed here as they pertain to the way that adults might manifest controlling maneuvers in their daily lives.
1.) Power Struggles – If a person devotes excessive amounts of energy toward achieving the demise of legitimate authority figures, that person is more than likely an adult child who was interpersonally shamed by someone in authority. When an adult child fights authority to the bitter end, this is a good indication of having been hurt by someone with power when s/he was young.
2.) Incessant Demanding – When someone fights to have his or her way all the time, this is a clear indication of having been deprived (i.e. – abused, improperly nurtured, neglected) of basic needs as a child. Sometimes the demands are no more than inappropriate ways of trying to convey needs. However, there are also times when the incessant demander has confused needs with wants. The unrelenting stream of demands are nothing more than controlling maneuvers used as a cover up for induced toxic shame.
3.) Bullying – When someone either threatens or uses violence in order to maintain control, this is also a clear indication of having been deeply hurt as a child. This is just an explanation and should not at all be perceived as a legitimate excuse for the use of violence. Bullying tactics should not be tolerated at any age. It is a sign of deep-seated immaturity and maladaptive behavior that is counterproductive to getting needs met.
Rage – Rage is the most naturally occurring cover up for interpersonally induced shame. When a child is repeatedly shamed and does not have the power to protect him/herself through the appropriate and measured use of boundaries, then rage becomes a default emotion for dealing with the shame. However, by the time the child grows up and becomes an adult, the rage is often misdirected toward others who are undeserving of it. Rage keeps others away and thus is viewed by the one who rages as an appropriate cover up for the shame s/he is carrying. However, raging at others can also transfer the unbearable load of toxic shame to the next generation. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.
The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can unload toxic shame and pick up more useful tools for living life to the fullest. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 1 -- Perfectionism
Perfectionism is one learned response to living in a shaming environment. Shame based families demand perfection and family members are only valued for what they do rather than for being who they are. Precise production is what perfectionists strive for, but the environment is one in which you never really know how much is good enough. Therefore, in the absence of that knowledge, people never know when to stop producing.
Because there is ignorance regarding how much is enough, there is a tendency for the perfectionist to either over or under function. Overfunctioning behaviors push the perfectionist toward achieving the unobtainable. Overfunctioning is something that feels good for a season but then can lead to burnout and severe bouts with disappointment and depression. Underfunctioning behaviors are the result of being frustrated in one’s attempts to be perfect. Typically, underfunctioning is the equal and opposite reaction to overfunctioning. It’s the swinging of the pendulum from one extreme to the other. That is, after the overfunctioning behaviors no longer produce the desired results, it will lead toward underfunctioning behaviors.
Some experts tell us that compulsive perfectionistic behaviors in a person’s life are a predictable sign that s/he was severely hurt on some level while growing up. Perfectionism may be an attempt to repair one’s damaged integrity or to portray to the world that one has it “all together”. However perfectionism manifests, it can make life complicated. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment program that helps people find relief from the tyranny of perfection. For more information about our program, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Because there is ignorance regarding how much is enough, there is a tendency for the perfectionist to either over or under function. Overfunctioning behaviors push the perfectionist toward achieving the unobtainable. Overfunctioning is something that feels good for a season but then can lead to burnout and severe bouts with disappointment and depression. Underfunctioning behaviors are the result of being frustrated in one’s attempts to be perfect. Typically, underfunctioning is the equal and opposite reaction to overfunctioning. It’s the swinging of the pendulum from one extreme to the other. That is, after the overfunctioning behaviors no longer produce the desired results, it will lead toward underfunctioning behaviors.
Some experts tell us that compulsive perfectionistic behaviors in a person’s life are a predictable sign that s/he was severely hurt on some level while growing up. Perfectionism may be an attempt to repair one’s damaged integrity or to portray to the world that one has it “all together”. However perfectionism manifests, it can make life complicated. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment program that helps people find relief from the tyranny of perfection. For more information about our program, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
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