Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 5

People suffering from induced interpersonal shame will attempt to appear normal. This is done through any number of toxic shame cover-ups. These cover-ups come in many different forms and include such behaviors as people-pleasing, patronizing, moralizing, caretaking and perfectionism. Shame bound people perceive these cover-ups to be short cuts for dealing with the pain they are carrying. In this entry we explore addiction and compulsive behaviors as another way people with induced toxic shame seek relief from the pain they are feeling.

Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.

The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.

Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.

If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 4

There are many ways that people will try to cover up the feelings of being bad, tainted, worthless and embarrassed that seem to go hand in hand with shame. Here we continue our conversation about some of the ways shame bound people try to deal with the pain. Three are explored here and they include patronizing, caretaking and people pleasing.

Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common Toxic Shame Cover-Ups: Part 3

Today’s entry continues our conversation about common cover ups for toxic shame. Shame is a debilitating affect and at toxic levels, it prevents someone from living life as it was meant to be lived. If someone is bound up with toxic shame, the last thing s/he wants is to be exposed or “found out”. Thus, the cover-ups we have been discussing from John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Three more are discussed here and they are arrogance, criticism & blaming and judgmentalism & moralizing.

Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.

Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 2 -- Control and Rage

Today we are going to take a look at two more cover ups people use to deal with the pain inevitably produced by toxic shame. They are controlling maneuvers and rage.

Controlling Maneuvers –For someone who is bound by shame, making him/herself vulnerable opens up the possibility of being shamed all over again. Therefore, control maneuvers are enacted to prevent this from occurring. Controlling Maneuvers can manifest in a variety of ways. Three are discussed here as they pertain to the way that adults might manifest controlling maneuvers in their daily lives.

1.) Power Struggles – If a person devotes excessive amounts of energy toward achieving the demise of legitimate authority figures, that person is more than likely an adult child who was interpersonally shamed by someone in authority. When an adult child fights authority to the bitter end, this is a good indication of having been hurt by someone with power when s/he was young.

2.) Incessant Demanding – When someone fights to have his or her way all the time, this is a clear indication of having been deprived (i.e. – abused, improperly nurtured, neglected) of basic needs as a child. Sometimes the demands are no more than inappropriate ways of trying to convey needs. However, there are also times when the incessant demander has confused needs with wants. The unrelenting stream of demands are nothing more than controlling maneuvers used as a cover up for induced toxic shame.

3.) Bullying – When someone either threatens or uses violence in order to maintain control, this is also a clear indication of having been deeply hurt as a child. This is just an explanation and should not at all be perceived as a legitimate excuse for the use of violence. Bullying tactics should not be tolerated at any age. It is a sign of deep-seated immaturity and maladaptive behavior that is counterproductive to getting needs met.

Rage – Rage is the most naturally occurring cover up for interpersonally induced shame. When a child is repeatedly shamed and does not have the power to protect him/herself through the appropriate and measured use of boundaries, then rage becomes a default emotion for dealing with the shame. However, by the time the child grows up and becomes an adult, the rage is often misdirected toward others who are undeserving of it. Rage keeps others away and thus is viewed by the one who rages as an appropriate cover up for the shame s/he is carrying. However, raging at others can also transfer the unbearable load of toxic shame to the next generation. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can unload toxic shame and pick up more useful tools for living life to the fullest. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common "Cover Ups" for Toxic Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:

Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.

Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.

Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.

Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.

Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.

Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.

If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.

Spiritual Abuse and Spiritual Shame

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame in the area of one’s spiritual life. Spiritual abuse appears to be a common occurrence and it tends to drive people away from the life-giving relationship one could have with something bigger than one’s self. Spiritual abuse comes in many different forms. It is always induced by someone who has been given real or perceived authority to say and do things in the name of God. In less extreme cases, it might be a shaming word of counsel shared by a Sunday School teacher or a nun. In more extreme forms, spiritual abuse might include sexual or physical abuse which, in turn, is perceived as being done with God’s stamp of approval.

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame that in turn, cuts one off from the activity of creative relating to something or someone outside of self. When this activity is cut out of life, it is often replaced with some cheap imitation of spirituality. One classic form of this is addiction. It was Gerald May who said that addictions are prayers gone awry. That is, in place of a creative and life-giving relationship with someone or something bigger than you, it gets reduced to the ritualized behaviors of someone trying to fill the emptiness with their drug(s) of choice.

If someone is spiritually abused they will contend with spiritual shame. And in response to spiritual shame, the god of their misunderstanding will promote all sorts of soul sickening beliefs and behaviors. The spiritually shamed will harbor distorted images of God or may have very well given up on the idea of God all together. If you are someone who has been spiritually abused and you find yourself struggling with the idea of having a relationship with the God of your understanding, then The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Shame Cores, Addiction and Codependence

At the core of addiction and codependence is shame. This core of shame is toxic. It will drive any person toward any means possible to alleviate the pain it causes. Toxic shame leads one to harbor certain negative and self-loathing beliefs about one’s person. These beliefs were not part of anyone’s original design. Instead, they were induced within through interpersonal channels.

In order for anyone to become a unique and authentic self, they need others to tell them and show them how to do that. That’s where certain aspects of personhood can get lost in translation. Disapproving looks, careless words, aggressive acts and the like from those who are teaching us how to be unique persons can be misinterpreted and downloaded as toxic shame.

A self is a unique person among other separate, yet connected unique persons. Every self is someone who is discovering his or her unique qualities in at least six different areas of personal growth. If these areas of growth are misguided, discouraged or disallowed, then there is a tendency to lose one’s sense of wholeness. A person who is shamed in any of the six areas will become a fragmented self. The fragmented self operates with some degree of “over the top” or “in the shell” type behavior.
Over the top stuff might include being unnecessarily loud and sometimes arrogant. It might also include inappropriate maneuvers in relationships such as crashing someone’s boundaries or being too demanding. Finally, over the top type behaviors might include being overly risky when such behavior wouldn’t be called for. This might manifest in extreme activities, excessive use of mind and mood altering substances, and overindulgence in anything.
In the shell stuff might include being socially withdrawn or isolated. Strong feelings of inferiority often invade the mind of a fragmented self in the shell. Thus, there may be a tendency to be rather self indicting and / or self degrading. The in the shell fragmented self might be rather plain almost seeming to live in a parallel type world. Sometimes in the shell people are referred to as being backward. They can be socially awkward, not really understanding social graces.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. Toxic shame attached to any area of self can be pain producing and life crippling.

Pain caused by the core of toxic shame will lead us on a quest toward pain reduction. It was Pia Mellody who conveyed the idea that addictions are present in this society in order to alleviate the pain and shame caused by unresolved issues of childhood trauma and abuse. The journey toward authentic self is sometimes thwarted by the paths of least resistance. Thus, the human organism learns from an early age that there are certain substances, activities, processes and thoughts that can be used as shortcuts. When the shortcuts for dealing with pain are habituated, it is only a matter of time before an addiction is formed and the toxic shame within goes underground.

When toxic shame goes underground, personal growth and authentic self formation tend to get put on hold. Thus, instead of becoming unique persons, people spend much of their time and energy impersonating themselves. They pretend to be someone they are not. Some experts have referred to codependency as a case of mistaken identity. It is when we lose touch with our unique and authentic selves. It is when we live by the scripts handed to us instead of discovering and growing into the unique and precious creations of God that we were intended to be. Toxic shame creates codependence.

Over the next few entries, we will be exploring how each of the six different areas of self can be deeply affected by toxic shame. This toxic shame holds us in bondage and prevents us from living. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility that empowers people to break free from the shackles of shame that inhibit the fullness of life. If you suspect that you might be carrying around some toxic shame, we can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8662 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.