Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 1 -- Perfectionism

Perfectionism is one learned response to living in a shaming environment. Shame based families demand perfection and family members are only valued for what they do rather than for being who they are. Precise production is what perfectionists strive for, but the environment is one in which you never really know how much is good enough. Therefore, in the absence of that knowledge, people never know when to stop producing.

Because there is ignorance regarding how much is enough, there is a tendency for the perfectionist to either over or under function. Overfunctioning behaviors push the perfectionist toward achieving the unobtainable. Overfunctioning is something that feels good for a season but then can lead to burnout and severe bouts with disappointment and depression. Underfunctioning behaviors are the result of being frustrated in one’s attempts to be perfect. Typically, underfunctioning is the equal and opposite reaction to overfunctioning. It’s the swinging of the pendulum from one extreme to the other. That is, after the overfunctioning behaviors no longer produce the desired results, it will lead toward underfunctioning behaviors.

Some experts tell us that compulsive perfectionistic behaviors in a person’s life are a predictable sign that s/he was severely hurt on some level while growing up. Perfectionism may be an attempt to repair one’s damaged integrity or to portray to the world that one has it “all together”. However perfectionism manifests, it can make life complicated. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment program that helps people find relief from the tyranny of perfection. For more information about our program, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common "Cover Ups" for Toxic Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:

Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.

Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.

Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.

Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.

Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.

Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.

If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.

Part 3: Working Ourselves to Death

If you come from a family system that is overly preoccupied, unable to deal with pain and loss and replete with toxic rules and roles, a natural byproduct of that is to think and behave in extremes. The extreme thoughts and behaviors born out of a dysfunctional family system promote shame.

Shame, at toxic levels, distorts the internal experience of being a unique and precious person of value. Thus, the tendency will be to think too lowly or too highly of one’s self. When someone believes s/he is inferior or superior, then certain actions will follow.

Thoughts of Inferiority
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I’m damaged goods.
I’m bad.
I’m insignificant.
I’m less than.

Actions of Inferiority
Overconsumption of anything that alters one’s mind and mood.
People-pleasing
Approval-seeking
Insatiable neediness
Doormat Syndrome

Thoughts of Superiority
I’m better than others.
I’m smarter than others.
I’m more important than anyone else.
I’m the best.
I’m perfect.

Actions of Superiority

Frustrated Perfectionism.
Hyperproductivity; Success driven.
Achievement compulsion.
Workaholism.

This further illustrates how a dysfunctional family system can promote the thoughts that eventually lead to the creation of someone with a work addiction. If you are someone who struggles with thoughts of inferiority and superiority, then you can benefit from a stay at The Bridge to Recovery. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.