In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:
Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.
Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.
Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.
Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.
Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.
Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.
Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.
Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.
People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.
Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.
Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.
If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.
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Acknowledging and dealing with shame was one of the most powerful processes I engaged with while at the Bridge. The same reduction work was so important. I can't agree more that shame causes a slow but inevitable death. I can see myself in many of the coverups listed, especially people pleasing,criticism and blame, attempting to control, perfectionism. It is so helpful to be reminded of this and to see how far I've come.
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