Shame Cores, Addiction and Codependence

At the core of addiction and codependence is shame. This core of shame is toxic. It will drive any person toward any means possible to alleviate the pain it causes. Toxic shame leads one to harbor certain negative and self-loathing beliefs about one’s person. These beliefs were not part of anyone’s original design. Instead, they were induced within through interpersonal channels.

In order for anyone to become a unique and authentic self, they need others to tell them and show them how to do that. That’s where certain aspects of personhood can get lost in translation. Disapproving looks, careless words, aggressive acts and the like from those who are teaching us how to be unique persons can be misinterpreted and downloaded as toxic shame.

A self is a unique person among other separate, yet connected unique persons. Every self is someone who is discovering his or her unique qualities in at least six different areas of personal growth. If these areas of growth are misguided, discouraged or disallowed, then there is a tendency to lose one’s sense of wholeness. A person who is shamed in any of the six areas will become a fragmented self. The fragmented self operates with some degree of “over the top” or “in the shell” type behavior.
Over the top stuff might include being unnecessarily loud and sometimes arrogant. It might also include inappropriate maneuvers in relationships such as crashing someone’s boundaries or being too demanding. Finally, over the top type behaviors might include being overly risky when such behavior wouldn’t be called for. This might manifest in extreme activities, excessive use of mind and mood altering substances, and overindulgence in anything.
In the shell stuff might include being socially withdrawn or isolated. Strong feelings of inferiority often invade the mind of a fragmented self in the shell. Thus, there may be a tendency to be rather self indicting and / or self degrading. The in the shell fragmented self might be rather plain almost seeming to live in a parallel type world. Sometimes in the shell people are referred to as being backward. They can be socially awkward, not really understanding social graces.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. Toxic shame attached to any area of self can be pain producing and life crippling.

Pain caused by the core of toxic shame will lead us on a quest toward pain reduction. It was Pia Mellody who conveyed the idea that addictions are present in this society in order to alleviate the pain and shame caused by unresolved issues of childhood trauma and abuse. The journey toward authentic self is sometimes thwarted by the paths of least resistance. Thus, the human organism learns from an early age that there are certain substances, activities, processes and thoughts that can be used as shortcuts. When the shortcuts for dealing with pain are habituated, it is only a matter of time before an addiction is formed and the toxic shame within goes underground.

When toxic shame goes underground, personal growth and authentic self formation tend to get put on hold. Thus, instead of becoming unique persons, people spend much of their time and energy impersonating themselves. They pretend to be someone they are not. Some experts have referred to codependency as a case of mistaken identity. It is when we lose touch with our unique and authentic selves. It is when we live by the scripts handed to us instead of discovering and growing into the unique and precious creations of God that we were intended to be. Toxic shame creates codependence.

Over the next few entries, we will be exploring how each of the six different areas of self can be deeply affected by toxic shame. This toxic shame holds us in bondage and prevents us from living. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility that empowers people to break free from the shackles of shame that inhibit the fullness of life. If you suspect that you might be carrying around some toxic shame, we can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8662 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.