Relationships & Shame

Sometimes toxic shame cripples one’s ability to be a self in relationship to others. Relational shame manifests as an inability to play the required roles one must play as an offspring, sibling, friend, employee, spouse, parent or grandparent. Relational shame leads some to fear the roles s/he must play. This fear will manifest in hyper vigilance or over analysis. In turn, this fear will fuel overreaction to the things one's partner might say and do in the relationship. Consistent overreaction to what is said and done can then lead to the termination of a relationship. If /When this happens, a shame based person's worst fears are then solidified and carried into the next relationship.

Sometimes relational shame leads someone to believe that no one can be trusted. When a person believes this, s/he will try to control, manipulate or avoid relationships. Attempts at controlling can lead the one being controlled to comply, rebel or disappear. Attempts at manipulating can lead the one being manipulated to participate in all sorts of relationship games. Attempts at avoiding relationships leads to isolation. Isolation is the experience of believing you can depend on no one. Isolation leads to loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling of profound sadness and is coupled with the belief that there is no one to whom you truly belong. Loneliness also promotes depression and despair.

Relational shame is born out of family systems plagued with addiction and codependence. At The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon has often used this line to describe the insanity of growing up with an addict. “A dysfunctional family is a dictatorship run by its sickest member.” Everyone bows down to the sickest member and learns that s/he must take extreme stances and /or behave in extreme fashions in order to get his or her needs met. In this extreme environment, the thermostat for normal gets skewed and the person coming out of a system like this carries around toxic shame about relationships and relational inadequacies.

The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility offering a comprehensive program of recovery for people suffering from broken and fragmented relationships. The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can do the necessary work to reset the relational thermostat back to normal. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/