Shame and Emotions

Discovering one’s emotional self is at the core of personhood. Without access to our feelings, we lose track of who we are and who we are not. We will also find it difficult to handle any of the proverbial “curve balls” life throws at us. That is to say, the ebb and flow of life puts us in a virtual tailspin.

We all need access to the God-given emotions that are a part of the experience of living. However, when we are shamed for having emotions, some of the vitality of life gets buried deep inside us. Without emotions we lose out on one of the strongest builders of intimacy and community. Without emotional honesty, our lives become lies.

People who lack in their ability to have and express emotions typically grew up in shame based family systems. Such environments are incubators for addiction and codependency. When someone grows up in a shame based family system, their attempts to express feelings are met with hostility, indifference or incredulousness.

For some families, anyone who feels is perceived as a threat. Therefore, feelings get met with hostility. This hostility might be in the form of physical violence but it could be verbal abuse as well. This broadcasts a signal to the one attempting to express feelings that it is not safe to do so. Other families simply don’t have the maturity on board to hear and embrace someone who is having their feelings. This sort of indifference broadcasts a signal to the child that feelings are not acceptable because no one will listen anyway. Finally, when it comes to an inability to deal with emotions, some shame based families simply perpetuate what they themselves experienced growing up. In other words, no one knows how to feel and therefore, the next generation has no effective models for how to express their feelings.

When we are denied our feelings, we miss out on significant dimensions of healing. How many tears have those with shamed emotions denied themselves? How many peaceful moments have never been realized because someone did not have the ability to work through his or her anger? How many are stuck in some ambiguous plane of existence because they were denied the tools needed to grieve and move on?

When emotions are shamed, so is a significant part of personhood. Emotions help us to experience the inner landscape of our own reality. They also help us convey that reality to others in meaningful ways. M. Scott Peck said that there is a correlation between mental illness and an inability to be fully committed to living in reality. Additionally, studies are now showing that when our feelings are denied, we are more prone to disease and sickness.

If you find it difficult to have and express your feelings, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.