People suffering from induced interpersonal shame will attempt to appear normal. This is done through any number of toxic shame cover-ups. These cover-ups come in many different forms and include such behaviors as people-pleasing, patronizing, moralizing, caretaking and perfectionism. Shame bound people perceive these cover-ups to be short cuts for dealing with the pain they are carrying. In this entry we explore addiction and compulsive behaviors as another way people with induced toxic shame seek relief from the pain they are feeling.
Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.
The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.
Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.
If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addiction. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Part 2: Working Ourselves to Death
In our last reading, we looked at some of the characteristics of those who are work addicted. Now we will take a look beneath the surface and explore why one might be working him or herself to death. Much of our addictive tendencies begin when we are young. While growing up, there might be other influences on a person’s life, but the strongest influence, for better or for worse, is the family of origin. When children are growing up in families where certain dynamics exist, it can be an incubator for addiction. Here are some of the most salient contributing factors to the birth of an addictive process like workaholism.
Inordinate and Consistent Preoccupation of the Family’s Primary Caregivers : Some workaholics grew up in families where one or both parents were overly preoccupied with some activity, thought process or addiction which prevented them from being fully present. This kind of preoccupation is indicative of some degree of emotional cutting off or cutting back. In other words, members of the family have unresolved issues that prevent them from being fully present. This type of environment can have an adverse effect on the children growing up in it because it leads them to believe that they themselves must be the problem. If that is the case, the children tend to think they must win their parents’ approval. Thus, an addiction to doing in order to earn love begins forming in a child’s life.
Unexpressed Trauma experienced by the Family of Origin: There are times when a family will experience some type of significant loss, trauma or severance of relationship and not have the resources to deal with it in a healthy fashion. Some examples of this include but are not limited to:
• Death
• Lengthy or major illness
• Divorce
• Abandonment
• Bankruptcy
• Termination of employment creating economic hardship
One way people attempt to work through the pain of loss is by becoming busy and refusing to talk. Busyness keeps a family’s mind off the loss they’ve experienced. When you stay busy, you don’t have to talk. When busyness and silence are modeled to the children as a way to cope with pain and loss, then it can naturally download into the next generation as they seek for ways to cope with any of the pain and losses they will experience.
Rigid Rules and Roles: The family adopted some form of demanding and yet self-defeating rules and roles that seemed normal but nonetheless, hindered the free flow of personal creativity, spontaneity, freedom, growth and appropriate expressions of love, nurture and respect among family members.
All three of these can contribute to the making of a workaholic. If you grew up in a family with any or all of the abovementioned, then there is a chance that you too might be struggling with an addiction to work. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility specializing in treating people with codependent tendencies and process oriented addictions like workaholism. For more information on how we can help, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Inordinate and Consistent Preoccupation of the Family’s Primary Caregivers : Some workaholics grew up in families where one or both parents were overly preoccupied with some activity, thought process or addiction which prevented them from being fully present. This kind of preoccupation is indicative of some degree of emotional cutting off or cutting back. In other words, members of the family have unresolved issues that prevent them from being fully present. This type of environment can have an adverse effect on the children growing up in it because it leads them to believe that they themselves must be the problem. If that is the case, the children tend to think they must win their parents’ approval. Thus, an addiction to doing in order to earn love begins forming in a child’s life.
Unexpressed Trauma experienced by the Family of Origin: There are times when a family will experience some type of significant loss, trauma or severance of relationship and not have the resources to deal with it in a healthy fashion. Some examples of this include but are not limited to:
• Death
• Lengthy or major illness
• Divorce
• Abandonment
• Bankruptcy
• Termination of employment creating economic hardship
One way people attempt to work through the pain of loss is by becoming busy and refusing to talk. Busyness keeps a family’s mind off the loss they’ve experienced. When you stay busy, you don’t have to talk. When busyness and silence are modeled to the children as a way to cope with pain and loss, then it can naturally download into the next generation as they seek for ways to cope with any of the pain and losses they will experience.
Rigid Rules and Roles: The family adopted some form of demanding and yet self-defeating rules and roles that seemed normal but nonetheless, hindered the free flow of personal creativity, spontaneity, freedom, growth and appropriate expressions of love, nurture and respect among family members.
All three of these can contribute to the making of a workaholic. If you grew up in a family with any or all of the abovementioned, then there is a chance that you too might be struggling with an addiction to work. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility specializing in treating people with codependent tendencies and process oriented addictions like workaholism. For more information on how we can help, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Part 1: Working Ourselves to Death
We live in a paradoxical culture where many equate being with doing. Consequently, there is great emphasis placed on personal production over against personality. But at the same time, our culture broadcasts an unobtainable vision of the “good life” being a life of complete leisure. This certainly sends a barrage of confusing signals to people who are part of this strange and wonderful culture in which we all live.
Over the next few days, I want us to explore workaholism. Workaholism is a process oriented addiction that can permeate every area of a person’s life. Furthermore, as an addiction, it is no respecter of race, religion or socioeconomic status. For people who are work addicted, the disease can infiltrate any and every aspect of one’s existence.
In her book, Never Good Enough, co-founder of The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon, points out many of the characteristics common to all who struggle with an addiction to work. Several are noteworthy here:
They live to work rather than work to live. For the work addicted, work becomes a primary source of one’s identity. A lie is cultivated within that tells the work addict that he or she can’t live, move or breathe if not working.
They get high on multi-tasking. When work addicted people multi-task, they don’t have to feel their feelings. Instead, they enjoy the benefits derived from the manufacturing of their own adrenaline.
They operate in hyper drive. The American Heritage dictionary defines hyperdrive as, “A state of heightened activity or concentration.” This state of being is one way that a progressive illness such as work addiction will isolate its carrier. Work addicts value production over connection with others. The more work a workaholic does, the better s/he feels but the less connected s/he becomes with others. This works fine until some sort of personal crisis leaves the workaholic unable to cope due to a lack of support.
They lose touch with reality. People who are work addicted have bought into the lie that they are human doings. With that being the case, they often find themselves believing that they are exempt from the laws that govern the rest of the universe. This often results in unrealistic expectations about how much time certain projects take or how long it takes to get to an appointment across town. Workaholics routinely over-commit and sometimes they will carelessly double book themselves. They simply don’t have a firm grasp on reality.
They become irritable when interrupted. If you ever come between addicts of any kind and their drugs of choice, watch out! Addictions of any kind fuse with our identities both fueling and feeding our drives and urges. A workaholic must work in order to feel complete. When you stand between the work addicted and his/her drug of choice, you will be perceived as a distraction or obstacle to that drug of choice. Thus, the work addict will become unnecessarily angered by any sort of interruption to his or her work.
When trying to determine whether or not you might have a work addiction, it is important to look less at what and how much you do and more at why you are doing what you do. After an honest exploration into why, people who are work addicted typically discover a number of underlying reasons they are working themselves to death. In our next Bridge Blog we will explore in more depth some of these underlying reasons.
If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or call us at 877-866-8661.
Also, for more information about Workaholism, please visit the Workaholics Anonymous website www.workaholics-anonymous.org
Over the next few days, I want us to explore workaholism. Workaholism is a process oriented addiction that can permeate every area of a person’s life. Furthermore, as an addiction, it is no respecter of race, religion or socioeconomic status. For people who are work addicted, the disease can infiltrate any and every aspect of one’s existence.
In her book, Never Good Enough, co-founder of The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon, points out many of the characteristics common to all who struggle with an addiction to work. Several are noteworthy here:
They live to work rather than work to live. For the work addicted, work becomes a primary source of one’s identity. A lie is cultivated within that tells the work addict that he or she can’t live, move or breathe if not working.
They get high on multi-tasking. When work addicted people multi-task, they don’t have to feel their feelings. Instead, they enjoy the benefits derived from the manufacturing of their own adrenaline.
They operate in hyper drive. The American Heritage dictionary defines hyperdrive as, “A state of heightened activity or concentration.” This state of being is one way that a progressive illness such as work addiction will isolate its carrier. Work addicts value production over connection with others. The more work a workaholic does, the better s/he feels but the less connected s/he becomes with others. This works fine until some sort of personal crisis leaves the workaholic unable to cope due to a lack of support.
They lose touch with reality. People who are work addicted have bought into the lie that they are human doings. With that being the case, they often find themselves believing that they are exempt from the laws that govern the rest of the universe. This often results in unrealistic expectations about how much time certain projects take or how long it takes to get to an appointment across town. Workaholics routinely over-commit and sometimes they will carelessly double book themselves. They simply don’t have a firm grasp on reality.
They become irritable when interrupted. If you ever come between addicts of any kind and their drugs of choice, watch out! Addictions of any kind fuse with our identities both fueling and feeding our drives and urges. A workaholic must work in order to feel complete. When you stand between the work addicted and his/her drug of choice, you will be perceived as a distraction or obstacle to that drug of choice. Thus, the work addict will become unnecessarily angered by any sort of interruption to his or her work.
When trying to determine whether or not you might have a work addiction, it is important to look less at what and how much you do and more at why you are doing what you do. After an honest exploration into why, people who are work addicted typically discover a number of underlying reasons they are working themselves to death. In our next Bridge Blog we will explore in more depth some of these underlying reasons.
If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or call us at 877-866-8661.
Also, for more information about Workaholism, please visit the Workaholics Anonymous website www.workaholics-anonymous.org
Monday, March 2, 2009
Part 1: You Might be a Codependent IF...
If you came through The Bridge, then chances are you were awakened to the reality that codependence is the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. This makes plenty of sense because when our growth in childhood is stunted by any number and combination of phenomena, our attempts to go on to maturity will be frustrated.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
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