Codependency does not occur in a vacuum. It is something that is the result of certain precipitating factors. This blog entry details a fourth contributing factor to Codependency.
4.) Growing up in a family system where there has been some degree of abandonment.
Abandonment can be either physical or emotional. Each form has varying degrees. Physical abandonment can be intentional and / or accidental. It occurs when one or both primary caregivers simply disappear. This may be for a lifetime or it may be seasonal. A physical abandonment might occur for any number of reasons. To name a few, it may be because of a caregiver’s addiction, mental illness, medical condition, death, divorce or a general inability to cope with family life.
Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both primary caregivers cannot provide the emotional support a child needs in order to be nurtured. When a primary caregiver is inordinately preoccupied with any sort of addiction, the addiction gets more attention than the children. That sort of abandonment might be referred to as an emotional cutoff. If a primary caregiver is full of anxiety, he or she might cut back emotionally in order to maintain safety. That emotional unavailability can be perceived by a child as a form of abandonment.
What sort of messages are conveyed to children when they are abandoned? In less extreme cases, the message might be, “You are not worth my time.” In more extreme cases, the message is “You are worthless.” All abandonment broadcasts a message to the child conveying to him or her that s/he is, on some level, unlovable. When a child is in an environment where they are abandoned, the child receives this message and immediately begins looking for ways to compensate for this lack of love.
Whether it is physical or emotional abandonment, it leaves the child in a state of loneliness and distress. If the primary caregiver is checked out or completely absent, the child reacts in any number of ways. Some retreat into a fantasy world. Some will become hardened. Some will adopt a persona of fear. Some will try to earn their approval through any number of self sacrificing type behaviors. Some will gravitate toward the use of a substance, activity or process in order to medicate the pain they feel as a result of their loss.
When children are abandoned by their primary caregivers they are in a more vulnerable position to become codependent. The Bridge to Recovery helps people explore how their abandonment issues affect their ability to trust, be honest and be intimate with others. For more information, please visit our website (www.thebridgetorecovery.com) or call us toll free at 877-866-8661.
Showing posts with label Childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Childhood. Show all posts
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Part 1: You Might be a Codependent IF...
If you came through The Bridge, then chances are you were awakened to the reality that codependence is the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. This makes plenty of sense because when our growth in childhood is stunted by any number and combination of phenomena, our attempts to go on to maturity will be frustrated.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
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