Part 4: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

Codependency does not occur in a vacuum. It is something that is the result of certain precipitating factors. This blog entry details a fourth contributing factor to Codependency.

4.) Growing up in a family system where there has been some degree of abandonment.

Abandonment can be either physical or emotional. Each form has varying degrees. Physical abandonment can be intentional and / or accidental. It occurs when one or both primary caregivers simply disappear. This may be for a lifetime or it may be seasonal. A physical abandonment might occur for any number of reasons. To name a few, it may be because of a caregiver’s addiction, mental illness, medical condition, death, divorce or a general inability to cope with family life.

Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both primary caregivers cannot provide the emotional support a child needs in order to be nurtured. When a primary caregiver is inordinately preoccupied with any sort of addiction, the addiction gets more attention than the children. That sort of abandonment might be referred to as an emotional cutoff. If a primary caregiver is full of anxiety, he or she might cut back emotionally in order to maintain safety. That emotional unavailability can be perceived by a child as a form of abandonment.

What sort of messages are conveyed to children when they are abandoned? In less extreme cases, the message might be, “You are not worth my time.” In more extreme cases, the message is “You are worthless.” All abandonment broadcasts a message to the child conveying to him or her that s/he is, on some level, unlovable. When a child is in an environment where they are abandoned, the child receives this message and immediately begins looking for ways to compensate for this lack of love.

Whether it is physical or emotional abandonment, it leaves the child in a state of loneliness and distress. If the primary caregiver is checked out or completely absent, the child reacts in any number of ways. Some retreat into a fantasy world. Some will become hardened. Some will adopt a persona of fear. Some will try to earn their approval through any number of self sacrificing type behaviors. Some will gravitate toward the use of a substance, activity or process in order to medicate the pain they feel as a result of their loss.

When children are abandoned by their primary caregivers they are in a more vulnerable position to become codependent. The Bridge to Recovery helps people explore how their abandonment issues affect their ability to trust, be honest and be intimate with others. For more information, please visit our website (www.thebridgetorecovery.com) or call us toll free at 877-866-8661.