Part 2: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

In the last blog entry, we set forth five contributing factors to codependency. They are as follows:

• Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
• Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
• Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
• Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
• Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.

Our last blog entry also focused on the first of the abovementioned five. This blog entry explores the second contributing factor:

2. Growing up in a family system where there’s an untreated codependent. Let me remind you that one way to talk about codependency is by describing it as the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. When you slow this description down and allow it to sink in, there are a few observations one might make.

First, it is described as an experience. In other words, it is something that is known, felt and familiar. However, because you find yourself right in the middle of the experience, it is difficult to believe that there are other ways of putting life together. The experience, for better or worse, becomes familiar and therefore reassuring. The experience seems normal.

Second, it is described as the experience of being an immature child. Knowing, feeling and being familiar with immaturity is what seems right and normal to the codependent. Please note that immaturity is not a value judgment. When someone is immature, it does not mean that he or she is a bad person. It simply means that there is more growing up to do. So, in that sense, the experience of being an immature child speaks to the fact that you were deprived of the resources you needed to go on to maturity. Put in another way, you were not nurtured appropriately by your adult caregivers. When you lack maturity, it means that you lack the resources to view and act upon life’s circumstances as a grown up.

Perhaps one of the best ways to view this experience of being an immature child is to pay attention to children. My son is seven years old. When he is deprived of something he wants like a toy or to play video games, he predictably acts like a child. And as a child he is liable to do a number of things. I have observed him throw stuff at the wall, pout, beg on his knees and express himself quite loudly. His reactions are typically “over the top” and very much like the reactions of any immature child. If all goes according to plan, my son will continue being nurtured and given the resources needed to grow up. Then by the time he reaches adulthood, he will be able to navigate deprivation as a grown up. Let’s envision what that might look like.

Twenty years from now, I can envision my son as an adult being able to accept his circumstances as they are given to him. I can also envision him being able to make the needed adjustments to his attitude and actions in order to handle life on life’s terms. I can see him reaching out to others to express his feelings both moderately and appropriately. If his anger is heightened, I can envision him being able to express it and not let it fester. I can also see him taking the necessary measures to delay gratification and being willing to wait for other opportunities. This is how I can envision my adult son handling being deprived of toys and video games.

When a person is an untreated codependent, as an adult s/he will often find him or herself reverting back to childish ways of thinking and behaving whenever s/he feels deprived. This is especially true when trying to raise a family. If you grew up in a family with one or more untreated codependents, then you yourself may be operating out of the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. There is help for people with codependence and codependent tendencies. The Bridge to Recovery offers medium to long-term residential care and treatment for people who are sick and tired of being governed by their insatiable neediness due to a lack of childhood nurturing. WE CAN HELP. Visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/ or call us at 877-866-8661.