Part 3: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

The current thread of discussion is dealing with some of the major contributors to codependence. Our particular working definition of Codependence is "the experience of being an immature child in an adult body." So far, we have examined how growing up in family systems where there is addiction or untreated codependence can be the source of one's own struggle with codependency or codependent tendencies. Now we shall take a look at a third contributing factor:

3. Growing up in a family system where there has been abuse in any form. This is a delicate issue but it deserves full attention. When someone is raised in an abusive environment, the energy needed to grow up gets diverted. Instead of growing up, someone in an abusive environment uses his or her growth energy to survive. Surviving is not the same as thriving. Survivors have developed skill sets that served them well in an abusive context. However, when they no longer find themselves threatened by abusive conditions, the survival skills don’t seem to fit too well into the context of intimate adult relationships. It is difficult to be transparent and respectful when you perceive and/or believe that your partner wants to do you harm.

If you revert to survivor mode when it is entirely unnecessary, you are probably suffering from codependence. That is, you did not get the kind of nurturing you needed in order to go on to maturity. Often times, anything considered to be abusive is associated with visible signs such as bruises, cuts, black eyes, busted lips and the like. That is evidence of overt physical abuse. But overt physical abuse is only one form that abuse can take. There are other forms that can also contribute to one having the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. Let’s examine a few of these:

· Physical Abuse – As described above, this form of abuse includes the use of physical violence. However, it may also come in the form of neglect, verbal threats of physical harm and being subjected to witnessing someone else’s abuse.
· Sexual Abuse – This form of abuse includes but is not limited to physical and sexual acts with an offender, underexposure to age appropriate sexual information, overexposure to inappropriate sexual information, verbal abuse about sexuality, sexual shaming and poor parental modeling of healthy sexuality to a child.
· Emotional Abuse – Verbal abuse in the form of shaming, name-calling, harsh criticism and cursing. Silent abuse such as glaring, ignoring and looking hatefully at a child. Over or under controlling behavior and the neglect of dependency needs (need for time, love attention, direction) can also be considered forms of emotional abuse.
· Social Abuse – Making fun of a child or attacking a child for something about his person that he cannot change (e.g. – race, size, intelligence, religious preference, socio-economic status. Over or under exposure to opportunities for social development can also be considered a form of social abuse.
· Intellectual Abuse – Disregarding a child’s opinions or accomplishments. Demanding more from the child intellectually than is age appropriate. Discounting, disrespecting or disregarding a child’s requests and wishes. Depriving a child of academic opportunities for advancing a child too fast academically.
· Spiritual Abuse – Abuse of a child’s spirit which in turn deprives him of his sense of worth, identity and value and robs him of the right to be the unique person God intended him to be.

The Bridge to Recovery promotes some high ideals about what constitutes abuse. Simply put, abuse is considered to be anything said or done to a child that is less than nurturing. Exposure to that which is less than nurturing is what hinders a child’s ability to go on to maturity. The degree someone has grown up in an abusive environment is an accurate indicator of whether or not someone will be codependent or exhibit codependent tendencies. There is an old axiom used from time to time around The Bridge to Recovery that seems to say it best: “If you abuse a child, you will create a codependent.”

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who came from abusive upbringings. We can help. Give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com