Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 4

There are many ways that people will try to cover up the feelings of being bad, tainted, worthless and embarrassed that seem to go hand in hand with shame. Here we continue our conversation about some of the ways shame bound people try to deal with the pain. Three are explored here and they include patronizing, caretaking and people pleasing.

Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common Toxic Shame Cover-Ups: Part 3

Today’s entry continues our conversation about common cover ups for toxic shame. Shame is a debilitating affect and at toxic levels, it prevents someone from living life as it was meant to be lived. If someone is bound up with toxic shame, the last thing s/he wants is to be exposed or “found out”. Thus, the cover-ups we have been discussing from John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Three more are discussed here and they are arrogance, criticism & blaming and judgmentalism & moralizing.

Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.

Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 2 -- Control and Rage

Today we are going to take a look at two more cover ups people use to deal with the pain inevitably produced by toxic shame. They are controlling maneuvers and rage.

Controlling Maneuvers –For someone who is bound by shame, making him/herself vulnerable opens up the possibility of being shamed all over again. Therefore, control maneuvers are enacted to prevent this from occurring. Controlling Maneuvers can manifest in a variety of ways. Three are discussed here as they pertain to the way that adults might manifest controlling maneuvers in their daily lives.

1.) Power Struggles – If a person devotes excessive amounts of energy toward achieving the demise of legitimate authority figures, that person is more than likely an adult child who was interpersonally shamed by someone in authority. When an adult child fights authority to the bitter end, this is a good indication of having been hurt by someone with power when s/he was young.

2.) Incessant Demanding – When someone fights to have his or her way all the time, this is a clear indication of having been deprived (i.e. – abused, improperly nurtured, neglected) of basic needs as a child. Sometimes the demands are no more than inappropriate ways of trying to convey needs. However, there are also times when the incessant demander has confused needs with wants. The unrelenting stream of demands are nothing more than controlling maneuvers used as a cover up for induced toxic shame.

3.) Bullying – When someone either threatens or uses violence in order to maintain control, this is also a clear indication of having been deeply hurt as a child. This is just an explanation and should not at all be perceived as a legitimate excuse for the use of violence. Bullying tactics should not be tolerated at any age. It is a sign of deep-seated immaturity and maladaptive behavior that is counterproductive to getting needs met.

Rage – Rage is the most naturally occurring cover up for interpersonally induced shame. When a child is repeatedly shamed and does not have the power to protect him/herself through the appropriate and measured use of boundaries, then rage becomes a default emotion for dealing with the shame. However, by the time the child grows up and becomes an adult, the rage is often misdirected toward others who are undeserving of it. Rage keeps others away and thus is viewed by the one who rages as an appropriate cover up for the shame s/he is carrying. However, raging at others can also transfer the unbearable load of toxic shame to the next generation. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can unload toxic shame and pick up more useful tools for living life to the fullest. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 1 -- Perfectionism

Perfectionism is one learned response to living in a shaming environment. Shame based families demand perfection and family members are only valued for what they do rather than for being who they are. Precise production is what perfectionists strive for, but the environment is one in which you never really know how much is good enough. Therefore, in the absence of that knowledge, people never know when to stop producing.

Because there is ignorance regarding how much is enough, there is a tendency for the perfectionist to either over or under function. Overfunctioning behaviors push the perfectionist toward achieving the unobtainable. Overfunctioning is something that feels good for a season but then can lead to burnout and severe bouts with disappointment and depression. Underfunctioning behaviors are the result of being frustrated in one’s attempts to be perfect. Typically, underfunctioning is the equal and opposite reaction to overfunctioning. It’s the swinging of the pendulum from one extreme to the other. That is, after the overfunctioning behaviors no longer produce the desired results, it will lead toward underfunctioning behaviors.

Some experts tell us that compulsive perfectionistic behaviors in a person’s life are a predictable sign that s/he was severely hurt on some level while growing up. Perfectionism may be an attempt to repair one’s damaged integrity or to portray to the world that one has it “all together”. However perfectionism manifests, it can make life complicated. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment program that helps people find relief from the tyranny of perfection. For more information about our program, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common "Cover Ups" for Toxic Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:

Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.

Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.

Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.

Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.

Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.

Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.

If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.

Spiritual Abuse and Spiritual Shame

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame in the area of one’s spiritual life. Spiritual abuse appears to be a common occurrence and it tends to drive people away from the life-giving relationship one could have with something bigger than one’s self. Spiritual abuse comes in many different forms. It is always induced by someone who has been given real or perceived authority to say and do things in the name of God. In less extreme cases, it might be a shaming word of counsel shared by a Sunday School teacher or a nun. In more extreme forms, spiritual abuse might include sexual or physical abuse which, in turn, is perceived as being done with God’s stamp of approval.

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame that in turn, cuts one off from the activity of creative relating to something or someone outside of self. When this activity is cut out of life, it is often replaced with some cheap imitation of spirituality. One classic form of this is addiction. It was Gerald May who said that addictions are prayers gone awry. That is, in place of a creative and life-giving relationship with someone or something bigger than you, it gets reduced to the ritualized behaviors of someone trying to fill the emptiness with their drug(s) of choice.

If someone is spiritually abused they will contend with spiritual shame. And in response to spiritual shame, the god of their misunderstanding will promote all sorts of soul sickening beliefs and behaviors. The spiritually shamed will harbor distorted images of God or may have very well given up on the idea of God all together. If you are someone who has been spiritually abused and you find yourself struggling with the idea of having a relationship with the God of your understanding, then The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Vocational Shame: When You Haven't Been What You Wanted to be When You Grew Up

A few years ago, Rev. Rick Warren wrote a book called, The Purpose Driven Life. When it was first introduced in 2002, News Corps publishers expected the book to sell around 250,000 copies. However, it became an absolute best seller and sold nearly 5 million copies in 2006 alone. This book has done so well because it taps into something that people are longing to find. That is, people want to know why they are here and they want to know what they are supposed to be doing with their lives.

Knowing and fulfilling one’s life purpose is about vocation. Vocation is not necessarily akin to one’s job. In fact, many have jobs so that they can pursue their true vocation. When one’s vocation is discovered, it is very easy to be passionate and enthusiastic about life. When someone senses that he knows what he is supposed to be doing, life takes on renewed meaning.

However, when someone is shamed about their vocation, this can create problems. How many children have set out in one direction only to have their passions short-circuited by disapproving parents or other primary caregivers? How many flute players were forced to play football instead? How many artists were told that they would never amount to anything if they pursued this vocation? How many lawyers were supposed to be landscapers? We could go on.

The point is that toxic shame can disturb one’s vocational ambitions. When children are told that they cannot pursue their passions, there will be a tendency to rebel by dropping out or performing poorly. Or, the child will go into hiding and cultivate what some experts call a false self. The false self maintains the façade of conforming. The true self will get lost and only attempt to reappear when it seems safe enough to do so. For many that doesn’t happen until adulthood.

Vocational shame is an incubator for resentments that might last into adulthood. It can also be a contributor to restlessness and frequent job changes. It can also be what dispirits a child, who as an adult might become faithless and godless. Without faith, the adult child will be shaken by disruptions to the routines s/he has created to give him a false sense of security. Without a Higher Power, there is less of a chance for the adult child to relate to things which are bigger than him/her. The vocationally shamed adult child will also be deprived of creativity. S/he will not be familiar with inspiration or freedom to simply be and become.

The Bridge to Recovery is a great place to rethink one’s vocational identity. As we uncover the shame that binds, many of our clients get a new set of wings to boldly go and do what they always wanted to do in the first place. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.