1. We believe that our identity depends on our productivity. Others will frown on us if we relax and take a break.
2. We believe that we are indispensable. In other words, life as we know it would not go on if we weren’t there in the middle of so many things.
3. We believe that we are invincible. We can take anything that is dished out to us. We believe we can defy the natural laws that govern the universe. Who needs 8 hours of sleep when you can make it on 4 and a gallon of coffee?
4. We lack focus and direction. We don’t know where we are headed and therefore just keep moving. Have you ever seen a fly trying to escape through a closed window? It just keeps banging its face into the glass until its exhausted. Then it takes a break and starts over.
5. We work until we drop so we don’t have to face ourselves (i.e. our spiritual condition, our emotions, our relational dilemmas, our loneliness). "The quiet scares me because it screams the truth." --Pink from the song, "Sober".
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Part 5: Working Ourselves to Death
In our last blog entry, we discussed three different manifestations of work addiction. The work addiction can manifest in the most traditional way by infiltrating our paid jobs (The Paid Workaholic). Work addiction can also infiltrate our attempts to stay physically fit (The Fitness Fanatic). Our third manifestation is when work addiction infiltrates our day timers affecting every activity and leaving us charged with adrenaline while trying to beat the clock (The Hurried Sick). In this entry, we continue our discussion by examining three more.
The Heroic Housekeeper:
For the Heroic Housekeeper, projects are the name of the game. However, the Heroic Housekeeper tends to start many projects but finishes very few. This is due to the fact that there is an unrealistically high set of expectations s/he has about her/his ability to accomplish goals. Typically, the Heroic Housekeeper has more short and long term goals than can be realistically achieved in the time allotted. The Heroic Housekeeper’s mantra is “My worth is contingent on the number of projects I can cross off my list.” Thus, s/he pushes him/herself and others to get the projects done. And when the projects don’t get finished, the Heroic Housekeeper feels a tremendous sense of let down.
The Volunteer of the Year:
The Volunteer of the Year has parlayed his / her work addiction into a tendency toward activism. Sometimes his / her work addiction is combined with an addiction to rescuing or fixing others. The Volunteer wants to be in the thick of as many opportunities to make a difference as s/he can. The mantra of the Volunteer of the Year is “I am what I change.” or “I am the difference I make.” Thus, s/he is willing to be involved even at the expense of lost time, money, relationships, and personal growth. Volunteers of the Year are compelled to serve because they are what they do and if they are not doing anything, then they lose their sense of identity.
The Militant Hobbyist (aka the Hobby Nazi):
As work addiction infiltrates any and every area of life, it has a certain way of destroying any attempts one might make to have fun without any strings attached. The Militant Hobbyist is someone whose work addiction has married the fun things one might do to enjoy life. Militant Hobbyists (aka Hobby Nazis) know how to turn leisurely activities into forced marches. In fact, the further along the addiction progresses, the more exhausting normally fun activities become. The Militant Hobbyist spends inordinate amounts of time perfecting the particular hobby being indulged. In the process, s/he loses sight of the therapeutic value of recreation and makes it all about perfecting the craft. The mantra of the Militant Hobbyist is “I am what I perfect.” As soon as the hobby is perfected, that is perceived as a conquest. Subsequently, there will be a tendency to move on to some other form of recreation all for the sake of perpetuating the addiction.
As you can see, work addiction is just as serious a progressive disease as any other addiction. It can manifest in many ways by permeating one or more parts of a person’s life. If someone does not arrest his or her work addiction, it tends to piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life. If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. Call us at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
The Heroic Housekeeper:
For the Heroic Housekeeper, projects are the name of the game. However, the Heroic Housekeeper tends to start many projects but finishes very few. This is due to the fact that there is an unrealistically high set of expectations s/he has about her/his ability to accomplish goals. Typically, the Heroic Housekeeper has more short and long term goals than can be realistically achieved in the time allotted. The Heroic Housekeeper’s mantra is “My worth is contingent on the number of projects I can cross off my list.” Thus, s/he pushes him/herself and others to get the projects done. And when the projects don’t get finished, the Heroic Housekeeper feels a tremendous sense of let down.
The Volunteer of the Year:
The Volunteer of the Year has parlayed his / her work addiction into a tendency toward activism. Sometimes his / her work addiction is combined with an addiction to rescuing or fixing others. The Volunteer wants to be in the thick of as many opportunities to make a difference as s/he can. The mantra of the Volunteer of the Year is “I am what I change.” or “I am the difference I make.” Thus, s/he is willing to be involved even at the expense of lost time, money, relationships, and personal growth. Volunteers of the Year are compelled to serve because they are what they do and if they are not doing anything, then they lose their sense of identity.
The Militant Hobbyist (aka the Hobby Nazi):
As work addiction infiltrates any and every area of life, it has a certain way of destroying any attempts one might make to have fun without any strings attached. The Militant Hobbyist is someone whose work addiction has married the fun things one might do to enjoy life. Militant Hobbyists (aka Hobby Nazis) know how to turn leisurely activities into forced marches. In fact, the further along the addiction progresses, the more exhausting normally fun activities become. The Militant Hobbyist spends inordinate amounts of time perfecting the particular hobby being indulged. In the process, s/he loses sight of the therapeutic value of recreation and makes it all about perfecting the craft. The mantra of the Militant Hobbyist is “I am what I perfect.” As soon as the hobby is perfected, that is perceived as a conquest. Subsequently, there will be a tendency to move on to some other form of recreation all for the sake of perpetuating the addiction.
As you can see, work addiction is just as serious a progressive disease as any other addiction. It can manifest in many ways by permeating one or more parts of a person’s life. If someone does not arrest his or her work addiction, it tends to piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life. If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. Call us at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Part 4: Working Ourselves to Death
Portraits of Workaholism
The old saying that addiction is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease certainly rings true in the case of work addiction. Work addiction can manifest in many ways by infiltrating one or more parts of a person’s life. This entry will explore three of six common expressions or forms of workaholism. Notice how sneaky a work addiction can be and how, if left unchecked, it will piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life.
The Paid Workaholic:
This is the most traditional form of work addiction. It can affect both “White Collar” and “Blue Collar” workers. Paid Workaholics have figured out that their productivity on the job has many rewards. The harder they work the more kudos they get. People acting out their work addiction on the job will receive all sorts of perks that can include financial gain, promotions and more responsibilities. This, in turn, may drive the Paid Workaholic toward levels of production that are difficult to sustain for extended periods of time. Thus, the Paid Workaholic creates an unsustainable job situation that will eventually unravel. When this happens, the Paid Workaholic experiences a tremendous letdown. The mantra of the Paid Workaholic is, “I am what I do.” So, when a Paid Workaholic doesn’t produce as much and can’t seem to have success, this is taken personally and might eventually lead the Paid Workaholic into recovery.
The Fitness Fanatic:
When work addiction invades the fitness center, it often produces a Fitness Fanatic. Like any other fanatic, the Fitness Fanatic is a person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm for his or her cause. The Fitness Fanatic finds that an over exaggerated and almost compulsive dedication to his/her particular form of exercise(s) produces results. These results give him/her a definite advantage over and above others (superiority) and thus reinforces the hunger for more. The mantra of the Fitness Fanatic is “I am my results.” Thus, the fitness fanatic perpetuates his or her addiction by always doing more. When a Fitness Fanatic hits plateaus in making progress, this often leads him/ her into a mild depression. If a Fitness Fanatic gets injured while exercising, s/he may continue to exercise in spite of obvious negative consequences.
The Hurried Sick:
Work addiction may permeate every area of life and produce a form of workaholism best described as the Hurried Sick. The Hurried Sick workaholic is constantly overbooked. S/he believes that mass production is the name of the game and so s/he will not leave any room in the calendar for mistakes or hang-ups in his / her itinerary. Thus, the Hurried Sick person often finds him/herself needing to be in two places at the same time. This type of behavior may seem unrealistic and self-defeating. However, the mantra of the Hurried Sick is, “I am only as good as the pace I keep.” Thus, the fast pace of the Hurried Sick produces the desired effects of anxiety, worry and a full-flowing adrenaline rush.
The old saying that addiction is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease certainly rings true in the case of work addiction. Work addiction can manifest in many ways by infiltrating one or more parts of a person’s life. This entry will explore three of six common expressions or forms of workaholism. Notice how sneaky a work addiction can be and how, if left unchecked, it will piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life.
The Paid Workaholic:
This is the most traditional form of work addiction. It can affect both “White Collar” and “Blue Collar” workers. Paid Workaholics have figured out that their productivity on the job has many rewards. The harder they work the more kudos they get. People acting out their work addiction on the job will receive all sorts of perks that can include financial gain, promotions and more responsibilities. This, in turn, may drive the Paid Workaholic toward levels of production that are difficult to sustain for extended periods of time. Thus, the Paid Workaholic creates an unsustainable job situation that will eventually unravel. When this happens, the Paid Workaholic experiences a tremendous letdown. The mantra of the Paid Workaholic is, “I am what I do.” So, when a Paid Workaholic doesn’t produce as much and can’t seem to have success, this is taken personally and might eventually lead the Paid Workaholic into recovery.
The Fitness Fanatic:
When work addiction invades the fitness center, it often produces a Fitness Fanatic. Like any other fanatic, the Fitness Fanatic is a person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm for his or her cause. The Fitness Fanatic finds that an over exaggerated and almost compulsive dedication to his/her particular form of exercise(s) produces results. These results give him/her a definite advantage over and above others (superiority) and thus reinforces the hunger for more. The mantra of the Fitness Fanatic is “I am my results.” Thus, the fitness fanatic perpetuates his or her addiction by always doing more. When a Fitness Fanatic hits plateaus in making progress, this often leads him/ her into a mild depression. If a Fitness Fanatic gets injured while exercising, s/he may continue to exercise in spite of obvious negative consequences.
The Hurried Sick:
Work addiction may permeate every area of life and produce a form of workaholism best described as the Hurried Sick. The Hurried Sick workaholic is constantly overbooked. S/he believes that mass production is the name of the game and so s/he will not leave any room in the calendar for mistakes or hang-ups in his / her itinerary. Thus, the Hurried Sick person often finds him/herself needing to be in two places at the same time. This type of behavior may seem unrealistic and self-defeating. However, the mantra of the Hurried Sick is, “I am only as good as the pace I keep.” Thus, the fast pace of the Hurried Sick produces the desired effects of anxiety, worry and a full-flowing adrenaline rush.
These three forms of work addiction do not have any respect for race, ethnicity or socioeconomic status. Any person coming from dysfunctional family of origin conditions can gravitate toward a work addiction just as easily as they might gravitate toward an addiction to an ingested substance such as alcohol or nicotine.
If you are working yourself to death, The Bridge to Recovery can help you put the brakes on your addiction. For more information about our program, please call 877-866-8661 or visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Stay tuned for our next blog entry as we explore three other forms a work addiction might take.
If you are working yourself to death, The Bridge to Recovery can help you put the brakes on your addiction. For more information about our program, please call 877-866-8661 or visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Stay tuned for our next blog entry as we explore three other forms a work addiction might take.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Part 3: Working Ourselves to Death
If you come from a family system that is overly preoccupied, unable to deal with pain and loss and replete with toxic rules and roles, a natural byproduct of that is to think and behave in extremes. The extreme thoughts and behaviors born out of a dysfunctional family system promote shame.
Shame, at toxic levels, distorts the internal experience of being a unique and precious person of value. Thus, the tendency will be to think too lowly or too highly of one’s self. When someone believes s/he is inferior or superior, then certain actions will follow.
Thoughts of Inferiority
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I’m damaged goods.
I’m bad.
I’m insignificant.
I’m less than.
Actions of Inferiority
Overconsumption of anything that alters one’s mind and mood.
People-pleasing
Approval-seeking
Insatiable neediness
Doormat Syndrome
Thoughts of Superiority
I’m better than others.
I’m smarter than others.
I’m more important than anyone else.
I’m the best.
I’m perfect.
Actions of Superiority
Frustrated Perfectionism.
Hyperproductivity; Success driven.
Achievement compulsion.
Workaholism.
This further illustrates how a dysfunctional family system can promote the thoughts that eventually lead to the creation of someone with a work addiction. If you are someone who struggles with thoughts of inferiority and superiority, then you can benefit from a stay at The Bridge to Recovery. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Part 2: Working Ourselves to Death
In our last reading, we looked at some of the characteristics of those who are work addicted. Now we will take a look beneath the surface and explore why one might be working him or herself to death. Much of our addictive tendencies begin when we are young. While growing up, there might be other influences on a person’s life, but the strongest influence, for better or for worse, is the family of origin. When children are growing up in families where certain dynamics exist, it can be an incubator for addiction. Here are some of the most salient contributing factors to the birth of an addictive process like workaholism.
Inordinate and Consistent Preoccupation of the Family’s Primary Caregivers : Some workaholics grew up in families where one or both parents were overly preoccupied with some activity, thought process or addiction which prevented them from being fully present. This kind of preoccupation is indicative of some degree of emotional cutting off or cutting back. In other words, members of the family have unresolved issues that prevent them from being fully present. This type of environment can have an adverse effect on the children growing up in it because it leads them to believe that they themselves must be the problem. If that is the case, the children tend to think they must win their parents’ approval. Thus, an addiction to doing in order to earn love begins forming in a child’s life.
Unexpressed Trauma experienced by the Family of Origin: There are times when a family will experience some type of significant loss, trauma or severance of relationship and not have the resources to deal with it in a healthy fashion. Some examples of this include but are not limited to:
• Death
• Lengthy or major illness
• Divorce
• Abandonment
• Bankruptcy
• Termination of employment creating economic hardship
One way people attempt to work through the pain of loss is by becoming busy and refusing to talk. Busyness keeps a family’s mind off the loss they’ve experienced. When you stay busy, you don’t have to talk. When busyness and silence are modeled to the children as a way to cope with pain and loss, then it can naturally download into the next generation as they seek for ways to cope with any of the pain and losses they will experience.
Rigid Rules and Roles: The family adopted some form of demanding and yet self-defeating rules and roles that seemed normal but nonetheless, hindered the free flow of personal creativity, spontaneity, freedom, growth and appropriate expressions of love, nurture and respect among family members.
All three of these can contribute to the making of a workaholic. If you grew up in a family with any or all of the abovementioned, then there is a chance that you too might be struggling with an addiction to work. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility specializing in treating people with codependent tendencies and process oriented addictions like workaholism. For more information on how we can help, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Inordinate and Consistent Preoccupation of the Family’s Primary Caregivers : Some workaholics grew up in families where one or both parents were overly preoccupied with some activity, thought process or addiction which prevented them from being fully present. This kind of preoccupation is indicative of some degree of emotional cutting off or cutting back. In other words, members of the family have unresolved issues that prevent them from being fully present. This type of environment can have an adverse effect on the children growing up in it because it leads them to believe that they themselves must be the problem. If that is the case, the children tend to think they must win their parents’ approval. Thus, an addiction to doing in order to earn love begins forming in a child’s life.
Unexpressed Trauma experienced by the Family of Origin: There are times when a family will experience some type of significant loss, trauma or severance of relationship and not have the resources to deal with it in a healthy fashion. Some examples of this include but are not limited to:
• Death
• Lengthy or major illness
• Divorce
• Abandonment
• Bankruptcy
• Termination of employment creating economic hardship
One way people attempt to work through the pain of loss is by becoming busy and refusing to talk. Busyness keeps a family’s mind off the loss they’ve experienced. When you stay busy, you don’t have to talk. When busyness and silence are modeled to the children as a way to cope with pain and loss, then it can naturally download into the next generation as they seek for ways to cope with any of the pain and losses they will experience.
Rigid Rules and Roles: The family adopted some form of demanding and yet self-defeating rules and roles that seemed normal but nonetheless, hindered the free flow of personal creativity, spontaneity, freedom, growth and appropriate expressions of love, nurture and respect among family members.
All three of these can contribute to the making of a workaholic. If you grew up in a family with any or all of the abovementioned, then there is a chance that you too might be struggling with an addiction to work. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility specializing in treating people with codependent tendencies and process oriented addictions like workaholism. For more information on how we can help, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Part 1: Working Ourselves to Death
We live in a paradoxical culture where many equate being with doing. Consequently, there is great emphasis placed on personal production over against personality. But at the same time, our culture broadcasts an unobtainable vision of the “good life” being a life of complete leisure. This certainly sends a barrage of confusing signals to people who are part of this strange and wonderful culture in which we all live.
Over the next few days, I want us to explore workaholism. Workaholism is a process oriented addiction that can permeate every area of a person’s life. Furthermore, as an addiction, it is no respecter of race, religion or socioeconomic status. For people who are work addicted, the disease can infiltrate any and every aspect of one’s existence.
In her book, Never Good Enough, co-founder of The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon, points out many of the characteristics common to all who struggle with an addiction to work. Several are noteworthy here:
They live to work rather than work to live. For the work addicted, work becomes a primary source of one’s identity. A lie is cultivated within that tells the work addict that he or she can’t live, move or breathe if not working.
They get high on multi-tasking. When work addicted people multi-task, they don’t have to feel their feelings. Instead, they enjoy the benefits derived from the manufacturing of their own adrenaline.
They operate in hyper drive. The American Heritage dictionary defines hyperdrive as, “A state of heightened activity or concentration.” This state of being is one way that a progressive illness such as work addiction will isolate its carrier. Work addicts value production over connection with others. The more work a workaholic does, the better s/he feels but the less connected s/he becomes with others. This works fine until some sort of personal crisis leaves the workaholic unable to cope due to a lack of support.
They lose touch with reality. People who are work addicted have bought into the lie that they are human doings. With that being the case, they often find themselves believing that they are exempt from the laws that govern the rest of the universe. This often results in unrealistic expectations about how much time certain projects take or how long it takes to get to an appointment across town. Workaholics routinely over-commit and sometimes they will carelessly double book themselves. They simply don’t have a firm grasp on reality.
They become irritable when interrupted. If you ever come between addicts of any kind and their drugs of choice, watch out! Addictions of any kind fuse with our identities both fueling and feeding our drives and urges. A workaholic must work in order to feel complete. When you stand between the work addicted and his/her drug of choice, you will be perceived as a distraction or obstacle to that drug of choice. Thus, the work addict will become unnecessarily angered by any sort of interruption to his or her work.
When trying to determine whether or not you might have a work addiction, it is important to look less at what and how much you do and more at why you are doing what you do. After an honest exploration into why, people who are work addicted typically discover a number of underlying reasons they are working themselves to death. In our next Bridge Blog we will explore in more depth some of these underlying reasons.
If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or call us at 877-866-8661.
Also, for more information about Workaholism, please visit the Workaholics Anonymous website www.workaholics-anonymous.org
Over the next few days, I want us to explore workaholism. Workaholism is a process oriented addiction that can permeate every area of a person’s life. Furthermore, as an addiction, it is no respecter of race, religion or socioeconomic status. For people who are work addicted, the disease can infiltrate any and every aspect of one’s existence.
In her book, Never Good Enough, co-founder of The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon, points out many of the characteristics common to all who struggle with an addiction to work. Several are noteworthy here:
They live to work rather than work to live. For the work addicted, work becomes a primary source of one’s identity. A lie is cultivated within that tells the work addict that he or she can’t live, move or breathe if not working.
They get high on multi-tasking. When work addicted people multi-task, they don’t have to feel their feelings. Instead, they enjoy the benefits derived from the manufacturing of their own adrenaline.
They operate in hyper drive. The American Heritage dictionary defines hyperdrive as, “A state of heightened activity or concentration.” This state of being is one way that a progressive illness such as work addiction will isolate its carrier. Work addicts value production over connection with others. The more work a workaholic does, the better s/he feels but the less connected s/he becomes with others. This works fine until some sort of personal crisis leaves the workaholic unable to cope due to a lack of support.
They lose touch with reality. People who are work addicted have bought into the lie that they are human doings. With that being the case, they often find themselves believing that they are exempt from the laws that govern the rest of the universe. This often results in unrealistic expectations about how much time certain projects take or how long it takes to get to an appointment across town. Workaholics routinely over-commit and sometimes they will carelessly double book themselves. They simply don’t have a firm grasp on reality.
They become irritable when interrupted. If you ever come between addicts of any kind and their drugs of choice, watch out! Addictions of any kind fuse with our identities both fueling and feeding our drives and urges. A workaholic must work in order to feel complete. When you stand between the work addicted and his/her drug of choice, you will be perceived as a distraction or obstacle to that drug of choice. Thus, the work addict will become unnecessarily angered by any sort of interruption to his or her work.
When trying to determine whether or not you might have a work addiction, it is important to look less at what and how much you do and more at why you are doing what you do. After an honest exploration into why, people who are work addicted typically discover a number of underlying reasons they are working themselves to death. In our next Bridge Blog we will explore in more depth some of these underlying reasons.
If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or call us at 877-866-8661.
Also, for more information about Workaholism, please visit the Workaholics Anonymous website www.workaholics-anonymous.org
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Part 5: You Might Be a Codependent IF...
We have been exploring five contributing factors to codependence. You might be a codependent if you grew up in a family system where there was an untreated addict or codependent. Additionally, you might be a codependent if you grew up in a family where there was abuse of any kind. You might also be a codependent if you grew up in a family system where your primary caregivers abandoned you. Now we will explore the fifth contributing factor.
5.) You might be a codependent if you grew up in an enmeshed family system.
In relationship to human behavior, enmeshment is a way of relating where there is a lack of personal boundary space. This lack of personal space is not only physical. It is also mental and emotional space.
Enmeshed people lack a sense of personal identity. Typically, they have difficulty recognizing where one person begins and another ends. They suffer from a condition that some experts refer to as an undifferentiated ego mass. That is, they are unable to think or act independently. They are so linked together that when Person A in the relationship does something embarrassing, Person B is the one who feels embarrassed.
It may also mean that there is little to no room for any sort of disagreement. Thus, each person says “yes” in the relationship all the time. When this happens, more and more “self” is given up for the sake of the enmeshed relationship. Enmeshed people may be locked together and be completely miserable. When that is the case, the relationship is intense and can be both verbally and physically abusive.
Enmeshment is one way of reacting to abandonment. Thus, the compulsion to enmesh is typically fueled by intense fear and anxiety about losing someone. Primary caregivers who enmesh with their children may have been abandoned when they were children or may have been currently abandoned by their significant other. Whatever the variables may be, the tendency toward enmeshment is always enacted upon out of fear.
People who were raised in family systems where there has been enmeshment may lean toward codependence because they have not been given the space needed to mature and to cultivate personal identity. Thus, they remain dependent on the ones with whom they are enmeshed. The Bridge to Recovery can assist people from enmeshed family systems. One major aspect of our work is guiding people toward finding their unique identities apart from others and to recapture the internal experience of treasuring one’s own preciousness.
The Bridge to Recovery helps people break free from the pain in adulthood caused by unresolved issues, wounds and trauma in childhood. To learn more, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
5.) You might be a codependent if you grew up in an enmeshed family system.
In relationship to human behavior, enmeshment is a way of relating where there is a lack of personal boundary space. This lack of personal space is not only physical. It is also mental and emotional space.
Enmeshed people lack a sense of personal identity. Typically, they have difficulty recognizing where one person begins and another ends. They suffer from a condition that some experts refer to as an undifferentiated ego mass. That is, they are unable to think or act independently. They are so linked together that when Person A in the relationship does something embarrassing, Person B is the one who feels embarrassed.
It may also mean that there is little to no room for any sort of disagreement. Thus, each person says “yes” in the relationship all the time. When this happens, more and more “self” is given up for the sake of the enmeshed relationship. Enmeshed people may be locked together and be completely miserable. When that is the case, the relationship is intense and can be both verbally and physically abusive.
Enmeshment is one way of reacting to abandonment. Thus, the compulsion to enmesh is typically fueled by intense fear and anxiety about losing someone. Primary caregivers who enmesh with their children may have been abandoned when they were children or may have been currently abandoned by their significant other. Whatever the variables may be, the tendency toward enmeshment is always enacted upon out of fear.
People who were raised in family systems where there has been enmeshment may lean toward codependence because they have not been given the space needed to mature and to cultivate personal identity. Thus, they remain dependent on the ones with whom they are enmeshed. The Bridge to Recovery can assist people from enmeshed family systems. One major aspect of our work is guiding people toward finding their unique identities apart from others and to recapture the internal experience of treasuring one’s own preciousness.
The Bridge to Recovery helps people break free from the pain in adulthood caused by unresolved issues, wounds and trauma in childhood. To learn more, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Part 4: You Might Be a Codependent IF...
Codependency does not occur in a vacuum. It is something that is the result of certain precipitating factors. This blog entry details a fourth contributing factor to Codependency.
4.) Growing up in a family system where there has been some degree of abandonment.
Abandonment can be either physical or emotional. Each form has varying degrees. Physical abandonment can be intentional and / or accidental. It occurs when one or both primary caregivers simply disappear. This may be for a lifetime or it may be seasonal. A physical abandonment might occur for any number of reasons. To name a few, it may be because of a caregiver’s addiction, mental illness, medical condition, death, divorce or a general inability to cope with family life.
Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both primary caregivers cannot provide the emotional support a child needs in order to be nurtured. When a primary caregiver is inordinately preoccupied with any sort of addiction, the addiction gets more attention than the children. That sort of abandonment might be referred to as an emotional cutoff. If a primary caregiver is full of anxiety, he or she might cut back emotionally in order to maintain safety. That emotional unavailability can be perceived by a child as a form of abandonment.
What sort of messages are conveyed to children when they are abandoned? In less extreme cases, the message might be, “You are not worth my time.” In more extreme cases, the message is “You are worthless.” All abandonment broadcasts a message to the child conveying to him or her that s/he is, on some level, unlovable. When a child is in an environment where they are abandoned, the child receives this message and immediately begins looking for ways to compensate for this lack of love.
Whether it is physical or emotional abandonment, it leaves the child in a state of loneliness and distress. If the primary caregiver is checked out or completely absent, the child reacts in any number of ways. Some retreat into a fantasy world. Some will become hardened. Some will adopt a persona of fear. Some will try to earn their approval through any number of self sacrificing type behaviors. Some will gravitate toward the use of a substance, activity or process in order to medicate the pain they feel as a result of their loss.
When children are abandoned by their primary caregivers they are in a more vulnerable position to become codependent. The Bridge to Recovery helps people explore how their abandonment issues affect their ability to trust, be honest and be intimate with others. For more information, please visit our website (www.thebridgetorecovery.com) or call us toll free at 877-866-8661.
4.) Growing up in a family system where there has been some degree of abandonment.
Abandonment can be either physical or emotional. Each form has varying degrees. Physical abandonment can be intentional and / or accidental. It occurs when one or both primary caregivers simply disappear. This may be for a lifetime or it may be seasonal. A physical abandonment might occur for any number of reasons. To name a few, it may be because of a caregiver’s addiction, mental illness, medical condition, death, divorce or a general inability to cope with family life.
Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both primary caregivers cannot provide the emotional support a child needs in order to be nurtured. When a primary caregiver is inordinately preoccupied with any sort of addiction, the addiction gets more attention than the children. That sort of abandonment might be referred to as an emotional cutoff. If a primary caregiver is full of anxiety, he or she might cut back emotionally in order to maintain safety. That emotional unavailability can be perceived by a child as a form of abandonment.
What sort of messages are conveyed to children when they are abandoned? In less extreme cases, the message might be, “You are not worth my time.” In more extreme cases, the message is “You are worthless.” All abandonment broadcasts a message to the child conveying to him or her that s/he is, on some level, unlovable. When a child is in an environment where they are abandoned, the child receives this message and immediately begins looking for ways to compensate for this lack of love.
Whether it is physical or emotional abandonment, it leaves the child in a state of loneliness and distress. If the primary caregiver is checked out or completely absent, the child reacts in any number of ways. Some retreat into a fantasy world. Some will become hardened. Some will adopt a persona of fear. Some will try to earn their approval through any number of self sacrificing type behaviors. Some will gravitate toward the use of a substance, activity or process in order to medicate the pain they feel as a result of their loss.
When children are abandoned by their primary caregivers they are in a more vulnerable position to become codependent. The Bridge to Recovery helps people explore how their abandonment issues affect their ability to trust, be honest and be intimate with others. For more information, please visit our website (www.thebridgetorecovery.com) or call us toll free at 877-866-8661.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Part 3: You Might Be a Codependent IF...
The current thread of discussion is dealing with some of the major contributors to codependence. Our particular working definition of Codependence is "the experience of being an immature child in an adult body." So far, we have examined how growing up in family systems where there is addiction or untreated codependence can be the source of one's own struggle with codependency or codependent tendencies. Now we shall take a look at a third contributing factor:
3. Growing up in a family system where there has been abuse in any form. This is a delicate issue but it deserves full attention. When someone is raised in an abusive environment, the energy needed to grow up gets diverted. Instead of growing up, someone in an abusive environment uses his or her growth energy to survive. Surviving is not the same as thriving. Survivors have developed skill sets that served them well in an abusive context. However, when they no longer find themselves threatened by abusive conditions, the survival skills don’t seem to fit too well into the context of intimate adult relationships. It is difficult to be transparent and respectful when you perceive and/or believe that your partner wants to do you harm.
If you revert to survivor mode when it is entirely unnecessary, you are probably suffering from codependence. That is, you did not get the kind of nurturing you needed in order to go on to maturity. Often times, anything considered to be abusive is associated with visible signs such as bruises, cuts, black eyes, busted lips and the like. That is evidence of overt physical abuse. But overt physical abuse is only one form that abuse can take. There are other forms that can also contribute to one having the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. Let’s examine a few of these:
· Physical Abuse – As described above, this form of abuse includes the use of physical violence. However, it may also come in the form of neglect, verbal threats of physical harm and being subjected to witnessing someone else’s abuse.
· Sexual Abuse – This form of abuse includes but is not limited to physical and sexual acts with an offender, underexposure to age appropriate sexual information, overexposure to inappropriate sexual information, verbal abuse about sexuality, sexual shaming and poor parental modeling of healthy sexuality to a child.
· Emotional Abuse – Verbal abuse in the form of shaming, name-calling, harsh criticism and cursing. Silent abuse such as glaring, ignoring and looking hatefully at a child. Over or under controlling behavior and the neglect of dependency needs (need for time, love attention, direction) can also be considered forms of emotional abuse.
· Social Abuse – Making fun of a child or attacking a child for something about his person that he cannot change (e.g. – race, size, intelligence, religious preference, socio-economic status. Over or under exposure to opportunities for social development can also be considered a form of social abuse.
· Intellectual Abuse – Disregarding a child’s opinions or accomplishments. Demanding more from the child intellectually than is age appropriate. Discounting, disrespecting or disregarding a child’s requests and wishes. Depriving a child of academic opportunities for advancing a child too fast academically.
· Spiritual Abuse – Abuse of a child’s spirit which in turn deprives him of his sense of worth, identity and value and robs him of the right to be the unique person God intended him to be.
The Bridge to Recovery promotes some high ideals about what constitutes abuse. Simply put, abuse is considered to be anything said or done to a child that is less than nurturing. Exposure to that which is less than nurturing is what hinders a child’s ability to go on to maturity. The degree someone has grown up in an abusive environment is an accurate indicator of whether or not someone will be codependent or exhibit codependent tendencies. There is an old axiom used from time to time around The Bridge to Recovery that seems to say it best: “If you abuse a child, you will create a codependent.”
The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who came from abusive upbringings. We can help. Give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com
3. Growing up in a family system where there has been abuse in any form. This is a delicate issue but it deserves full attention. When someone is raised in an abusive environment, the energy needed to grow up gets diverted. Instead of growing up, someone in an abusive environment uses his or her growth energy to survive. Surviving is not the same as thriving. Survivors have developed skill sets that served them well in an abusive context. However, when they no longer find themselves threatened by abusive conditions, the survival skills don’t seem to fit too well into the context of intimate adult relationships. It is difficult to be transparent and respectful when you perceive and/or believe that your partner wants to do you harm.
If you revert to survivor mode when it is entirely unnecessary, you are probably suffering from codependence. That is, you did not get the kind of nurturing you needed in order to go on to maturity. Often times, anything considered to be abusive is associated with visible signs such as bruises, cuts, black eyes, busted lips and the like. That is evidence of overt physical abuse. But overt physical abuse is only one form that abuse can take. There are other forms that can also contribute to one having the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. Let’s examine a few of these:
· Physical Abuse – As described above, this form of abuse includes the use of physical violence. However, it may also come in the form of neglect, verbal threats of physical harm and being subjected to witnessing someone else’s abuse.
· Sexual Abuse – This form of abuse includes but is not limited to physical and sexual acts with an offender, underexposure to age appropriate sexual information, overexposure to inappropriate sexual information, verbal abuse about sexuality, sexual shaming and poor parental modeling of healthy sexuality to a child.
· Emotional Abuse – Verbal abuse in the form of shaming, name-calling, harsh criticism and cursing. Silent abuse such as glaring, ignoring and looking hatefully at a child. Over or under controlling behavior and the neglect of dependency needs (need for time, love attention, direction) can also be considered forms of emotional abuse.
· Social Abuse – Making fun of a child or attacking a child for something about his person that he cannot change (e.g. – race, size, intelligence, religious preference, socio-economic status. Over or under exposure to opportunities for social development can also be considered a form of social abuse.
· Intellectual Abuse – Disregarding a child’s opinions or accomplishments. Demanding more from the child intellectually than is age appropriate. Discounting, disrespecting or disregarding a child’s requests and wishes. Depriving a child of academic opportunities for advancing a child too fast academically.
· Spiritual Abuse – Abuse of a child’s spirit which in turn deprives him of his sense of worth, identity and value and robs him of the right to be the unique person God intended him to be.
The Bridge to Recovery promotes some high ideals about what constitutes abuse. Simply put, abuse is considered to be anything said or done to a child that is less than nurturing. Exposure to that which is less than nurturing is what hinders a child’s ability to go on to maturity. The degree someone has grown up in an abusive environment is an accurate indicator of whether or not someone will be codependent or exhibit codependent tendencies. There is an old axiom used from time to time around The Bridge to Recovery that seems to say it best: “If you abuse a child, you will create a codependent.”
The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who came from abusive upbringings. We can help. Give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Part 2: You Might Be a Codependent IF...
In the last blog entry, we set forth five contributing factors to codependency. They are as follows:
- Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
- Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
- Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
- Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
- Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
Our last blog entry also focused on the first of the abovementioned five. This blog entry explores the second contributing factor:
2. Growing up in a family system where there’s an untreated codependent. Let me remind you that one way to talk about codependency is by describing it as the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. When you slow this description down and allow it to sink in, there are a few observations one might make.
First, it is described as an experience. In other words, it is something that is known, felt and familiar. However, because you find yourself right in the middle of the experience, it is difficult to believe that there are other ways of putting life together. The experience, for better or worse, becomes familiar and therefore reassuring. The experience seems normal.
Second, it is described as the experience of being an immature child. Knowing, feeling and being familiar with immaturity is what seems right and normal to the codependent. Please note that immaturity is not a value judgment. When someone is immature, it does not mean that he or she is a bad person. It simply means that there is more growing up to do. So, in that sense, the experience of being an immature child speaks to the fact that you were deprived of the resources you needed to go on to maturity. Put in another way, you were not nurtured appropriately by your adult caregivers. When you lack maturity, it means that you lack the resources to view and act upon life’s circumstances as a grown up.
Perhaps one of the best ways to view this experience of being an immature child is to pay attention to children. My son is seven years old. When he is deprived of something he wants like a toy or to play video games, he predictably acts like a child. And as a child he is liable to do a number of things. I have observed him throw stuff at the wall, pout, beg on his knees and express himself quite loudly. His reactions are typically “over the top” and very much like the reactions of any immature child. If all goes according to plan, my son will continue being nurtured and given the resources needed to grow up. Then by the time he reaches adulthood, he will be able to navigate deprivation as a grown up. Let’s envision what that might look like.
Twenty years from now, I can envision my son as an adult being able to accept his circumstances as they are given to him. I can also envision him being able to make the needed adjustments to his attitude and actions in order to handle life on life’s terms. I can see him reaching out to others to express his feelings both moderately and appropriately. If his anger is heightened, I can envision him being able to express it and not let it fester. I can also see him taking the necessary measures to delay gratification and being willing to wait for other opportunities. This is how I can envision my adult son handling being deprived of toys and video games.
When a person is an untreated codependent, as an adult s/he will often find him or herself reverting back to childish ways of thinking and behaving whenever s/he feels deprived. This is especially true when trying to raise a family. If you grew up in a family with one or more untreated codependents, then you yourself may be operating out of the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. There is help for people with codependence and codependent tendencies. The Bridge to Recovery offers medium to long-term residential care and treatment for people who are sick and tired of being governed by their insatiable neediness due to a lack of childhood nurturing. WE CAN HELP. Visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/ or call us at 877-866-8661.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Part 1: You Might be a Codependent IF...
If you came through The Bridge, then chances are you were awakened to the reality that codependence is the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. This makes plenty of sense because when our growth in childhood is stunted by any number and combination of phenomena, our attempts to go on to maturity will be frustrated.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.
Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.
These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.
1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.
Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.
If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.
If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.
Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.
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