Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 6

We have been taking a look at some of the common cover ups for toxic shame. When someone is shame bound, there is a tendency to do certain things in order to cover over the pain that shame produces. Sometimes the cover ups make little sense to outsiders. However, for the person experiencing the pain, any relief seeking behavior will suffice. That is true even when an outsider would think that the behavior would be even more pain producing. Throughout the past five entries, we have examined several common cover-ups for toxic shame. In our last entry, we talked about addiction or addictive behaviors. In our final entry on this subject, we will take a look at a phenomenon known as reenactment or repetition compulsion.

When a person has been interpersonally shamed as a child in a particular way, there may be a tendency for the shame bound person to gravitate toward the same type of behaviors in their adult lives. For example, if the person were shamed through extreme forms of verbal abuse as a child, there may be a compulsion for the adult to seek out the same type of people in which to be in relationships. It was Sigmund Freud who first observed this sort of behavior. He noticed that there is often a tendency to reenact social situations in an attempt to “master” certain experiences. Thus, when there has been no resolution for a particular shaming pattern, the shame bound person will look for that same behavior in others.

However, there is also an adverse reaction to the interpersonal shaming episodes from childhood. The child who was abused may develop the same type of behaviors in adulthood and act out the same type of behaviors that were acted out on them. Again, without resolution, the shame dictates the behaviors a child will carry into adulthood.

Without any resolution to the shame, the child grows into an adult carrier of the shame and will deal with it in ways that at times seem absurd or confusing to outsiders. The Bridge to Recovery helps people who compulsively act out the very behaviors that were acted out on them. There is hope and shame bound people can find relief from the repetition compulsion that cycles them in and out of counterproductive interpersonal relationships. For more information about The Bridge to Recovery, visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 5

People suffering from induced interpersonal shame will attempt to appear normal. This is done through any number of toxic shame cover-ups. These cover-ups come in many different forms and include such behaviors as people-pleasing, patronizing, moralizing, caretaking and perfectionism. Shame bound people perceive these cover-ups to be short cuts for dealing with the pain they are carrying. In this entry we explore addiction and compulsive behaviors as another way people with induced toxic shame seek relief from the pain they are feeling.

Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.

The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.

Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.

If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.