Sometimes toxic shame cripples one’s ability to be a self in relationship to others. Relational shame manifests as an inability to play the required roles one must play as an offspring, sibling, friend, employee, spouse, parent or grandparent. Relational shame leads some to fear the roles s/he must play. This fear will manifest in hyper vigilance or over analysis. In turn, this fear will fuel overreaction to the things one's partner might say and do in the relationship. Consistent overreaction to what is said and done can then lead to the termination of a relationship. If /When this happens, a shame based person's worst fears are then solidified and carried into the next relationship.
Sometimes relational shame leads someone to believe that no one can be trusted. When a person believes this, s/he will try to control, manipulate or avoid relationships. Attempts at controlling can lead the one being controlled to comply, rebel or disappear. Attempts at manipulating can lead the one being manipulated to participate in all sorts of relationship games. Attempts at avoiding relationships leads to isolation. Isolation is the experience of believing you can depend on no one. Isolation leads to loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling of profound sadness and is coupled with the belief that there is no one to whom you truly belong. Loneliness also promotes depression and despair.
Relational shame is born out of family systems plagued with addiction and codependence. At The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon has often used this line to describe the insanity of growing up with an addict. “A dysfunctional family is a dictatorship run by its sickest member.” Everyone bows down to the sickest member and learns that s/he must take extreme stances and /or behave in extreme fashions in order to get his or her needs met. In this extreme environment, the thermostat for normal gets skewed and the person coming out of a system like this carries around toxic shame about relationships and relational inadequacies.
The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility offering a comprehensive program of recovery for people suffering from broken and fragmented relationships. The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can do the necessary work to reset the relational thermostat back to normal. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Body Shame
The human experience is fundamentally rooted in the body. Even though there are times when some might transcend their bodies (i.e. through imagination, guided imagery, visualization, etc.), there is no getting around the fact that nearly every day, we will experience life through our physical selves. A dilemma for many is a lack of esteem when it comes to their bodies. Certain cultures and family systems induce a great deal of shame in relationship to how our bodies look, feel, and smell. Since we live in our bodies, this brand of shame can inhibit us significantly.
Body shame puts people in the place of feeling entirely uncomfortable in their own skin. It can promote self loathing and, if not dealt with, it can be extremely hard on the one trying to live his / her daily life. Many of today’s eating disorders, body image distortions, self-harming and self-mutilating behaviors, unsafe and exploitative sexual acting out can be attributed to toxic shame around our physical selves.
Body shame has an effect on many different areas. Two are explored here. One area affected by body shame is that of image. People who are ashamed of their bodies will often have strong feelings about how they look. In an attempt to deal with this, some will do anything to keep up appearances. This might include attempts to control one’s appearance through the clothing, makeup and accessories they buy / wear, the food they restrict and/or the food they will eat and then eliminate. It may also lead some to have their bodies surgically altered. An excessively rigorous exercise program could also be part of one’s body image management routines.
Another area affected by body shame is our sexuality. In John Bradshaw’s seminal work, Healing the Shame that Binds You he writes,
Thus, when the core of human selfhood is bound up in shame, it becomes quite difficult to take delight in one of life’s most enjoyable and nurturing human experiences. When body image issues are bound up with shame in the area of one’s sexuality, it will be difficult to have a balanced experience in this area.
If you have body image issues, The Bridge to Recovery can help you break free from the shame that binds you. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com
Body shame puts people in the place of feeling entirely uncomfortable in their own skin. It can promote self loathing and, if not dealt with, it can be extremely hard on the one trying to live his / her daily life. Many of today’s eating disorders, body image distortions, self-harming and self-mutilating behaviors, unsafe and exploitative sexual acting out can be attributed to toxic shame around our physical selves.
Body shame has an effect on many different areas. Two are explored here. One area affected by body shame is that of image. People who are ashamed of their bodies will often have strong feelings about how they look. In an attempt to deal with this, some will do anything to keep up appearances. This might include attempts to control one’s appearance through the clothing, makeup and accessories they buy / wear, the food they restrict and/or the food they will eat and then eliminate. It may also lead some to have their bodies surgically altered. An excessively rigorous exercise program could also be part of one’s body image management routines.
Another area affected by body shame is our sexuality. In John Bradshaw’s seminal work, Healing the Shame that Binds You he writes,
"Perhaps no aspect of human activity has been as dysfunctionally
shamed as much as our sexuality. Sexuality is the core of human
selfhood. Our sex is not something we have or do, it is who we are.
It’s the first thing we notice about each other. Sexuality is a basic fact
in all created things. If we shut off this drive, we would annihilate the
human race in 120 years. Our sexual energy (libido) is our unique
incarnation of the life force itself. To have our sex drive shamed is to
be shamed to the core." (p. 54)
Thus, when the core of human selfhood is bound up in shame, it becomes quite difficult to take delight in one of life’s most enjoyable and nurturing human experiences. When body image issues are bound up with shame in the area of one’s sexuality, it will be difficult to have a balanced experience in this area.
If you have body image issues, The Bridge to Recovery can help you break free from the shame that binds you. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Shame and Emotions
Discovering one’s emotional self is at the core of personhood. Without access to our feelings, we lose track of who we are and who we are not. We will also find it difficult to handle any of the proverbial “curve balls” life throws at us. That is to say, the ebb and flow of life puts us in a virtual tailspin.
We all need access to the God-given emotions that are a part of the experience of living. However, when we are shamed for having emotions, some of the vitality of life gets buried deep inside us. Without emotions we lose out on one of the strongest builders of intimacy and community. Without emotional honesty, our lives become lies.
People who lack in their ability to have and express emotions typically grew up in shame based family systems. Such environments are incubators for addiction and codependency. When someone grows up in a shame based family system, their attempts to express feelings are met with hostility, indifference or incredulousness.
For some families, anyone who feels is perceived as a threat. Therefore, feelings get met with hostility. This hostility might be in the form of physical violence but it could be verbal abuse as well. This broadcasts a signal to the one attempting to express feelings that it is not safe to do so. Other families simply don’t have the maturity on board to hear and embrace someone who is having their feelings. This sort of indifference broadcasts a signal to the child that feelings are not acceptable because no one will listen anyway. Finally, when it comes to an inability to deal with emotions, some shame based families simply perpetuate what they themselves experienced growing up. In other words, no one knows how to feel and therefore, the next generation has no effective models for how to express their feelings.
When we are denied our feelings, we miss out on significant dimensions of healing. How many tears have those with shamed emotions denied themselves? How many peaceful moments have never been realized because someone did not have the ability to work through his or her anger? How many are stuck in some ambiguous plane of existence because they were denied the tools needed to grieve and move on?
When emotions are shamed, so is a significant part of personhood. Emotions help us to experience the inner landscape of our own reality. They also help us convey that reality to others in meaningful ways. M. Scott Peck said that there is a correlation between mental illness and an inability to be fully committed to living in reality. Additionally, studies are now showing that when our feelings are denied, we are more prone to disease and sickness.
If you find it difficult to have and express your feelings, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
We all need access to the God-given emotions that are a part of the experience of living. However, when we are shamed for having emotions, some of the vitality of life gets buried deep inside us. Without emotions we lose out on one of the strongest builders of intimacy and community. Without emotional honesty, our lives become lies.
People who lack in their ability to have and express emotions typically grew up in shame based family systems. Such environments are incubators for addiction and codependency. When someone grows up in a shame based family system, their attempts to express feelings are met with hostility, indifference or incredulousness.
For some families, anyone who feels is perceived as a threat. Therefore, feelings get met with hostility. This hostility might be in the form of physical violence but it could be verbal abuse as well. This broadcasts a signal to the one attempting to express feelings that it is not safe to do so. Other families simply don’t have the maturity on board to hear and embrace someone who is having their feelings. This sort of indifference broadcasts a signal to the child that feelings are not acceptable because no one will listen anyway. Finally, when it comes to an inability to deal with emotions, some shame based families simply perpetuate what they themselves experienced growing up. In other words, no one knows how to feel and therefore, the next generation has no effective models for how to express their feelings.
When we are denied our feelings, we miss out on significant dimensions of healing. How many tears have those with shamed emotions denied themselves? How many peaceful moments have never been realized because someone did not have the ability to work through his or her anger? How many are stuck in some ambiguous plane of existence because they were denied the tools needed to grieve and move on?
When emotions are shamed, so is a significant part of personhood. Emotions help us to experience the inner landscape of our own reality. They also help us convey that reality to others in meaningful ways. M. Scott Peck said that there is a correlation between mental illness and an inability to be fully committed to living in reality. Additionally, studies are now showing that when our feelings are denied, we are more prone to disease and sickness.
If you find it difficult to have and express your feelings, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Toxic Shame and the Intellectual Self
Toxic shame has a way of wrapping itself around any number of our attempts at discovering and being who we are. Our sense of uniqueness gets blindsided by shaming messages that assault the soul. These messages come to us both directly and indirectly. However they get in, they get embedded deep within. Thus, our attempts at cultivating and becoming all that our Creator intended gets slowed down. It is only when we do the work of self examination and self differentiation that we can part ways with the shame that holds us hostage.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. In this blog entry we will examine what shame attached to the Intellectual self looks like.
“You are such an idiot!”
“How could you be so stupid!”
“Talking to you is like talking to the sidewalk!”
“Stop talking. That’s all you do.”
“You don’t know how to listen do you?”
Such careless phrases uttered by parents, grandparents, older siblings and authority figures in the wider world of a child can shape the child’s opinion of his intellectual self. Now, if someone says this to the child just once or twice, the devastating effects will not be so evident.
However, if the child receives a steady flow of these types of shaming messages without any type of intervention, then there will be noticeable consequences in adult life. There are no exact predictors of what the consequences might be. Generally speaking, the adult child will gravitate toward trying to prove to the ones who shamed him that he really is smart. Thus, he might have collected quite a few academic awards. He might have graduated in the top percentage of his class. He might have spent inordinate amounts of time working on his grades in an attempt to prove he is smart. There will not be a love for learning or for the educational process. Instead, the one with a shamed intellect will be compelled to perform and will go to any lengths in order to earn approval in this area.
Conversely, the one with a shamed intellect might just as easily believe that he is intellectually deficient. When that is the case, he will act the part or lack the confidence to assert and / or express his own thoughts. He may also believe he is not able to handle some of life’s tasks and thus his finances might suffer or his ability to organize and get things accomplished might be lacking.
A bruised intellect can heal rather quickly. A shamed intellect needs a more intentional strategy for recovery. The Bridge to Recovery can help people who are tired of trying to prove they are bright. The Bridge to Recovery can also help people who don’t realize how bright they really are. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us on the web at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. In this blog entry we will examine what shame attached to the Intellectual self looks like.
“You are such an idiot!”
“How could you be so stupid!”
“Talking to you is like talking to the sidewalk!”
“Stop talking. That’s all you do.”
“You don’t know how to listen do you?”
Such careless phrases uttered by parents, grandparents, older siblings and authority figures in the wider world of a child can shape the child’s opinion of his intellectual self. Now, if someone says this to the child just once or twice, the devastating effects will not be so evident.
However, if the child receives a steady flow of these types of shaming messages without any type of intervention, then there will be noticeable consequences in adult life. There are no exact predictors of what the consequences might be. Generally speaking, the adult child will gravitate toward trying to prove to the ones who shamed him that he really is smart. Thus, he might have collected quite a few academic awards. He might have graduated in the top percentage of his class. He might have spent inordinate amounts of time working on his grades in an attempt to prove he is smart. There will not be a love for learning or for the educational process. Instead, the one with a shamed intellect will be compelled to perform and will go to any lengths in order to earn approval in this area.
Conversely, the one with a shamed intellect might just as easily believe that he is intellectually deficient. When that is the case, he will act the part or lack the confidence to assert and / or express his own thoughts. He may also believe he is not able to handle some of life’s tasks and thus his finances might suffer or his ability to organize and get things accomplished might be lacking.
A bruised intellect can heal rather quickly. A shamed intellect needs a more intentional strategy for recovery. The Bridge to Recovery can help people who are tired of trying to prove they are bright. The Bridge to Recovery can also help people who don’t realize how bright they really are. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us on the web at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Shame Cores, Addiction and Codependence
At the core of addiction and codependence is shame. This core of shame is toxic. It will drive any person toward any means possible to alleviate the pain it causes. Toxic shame leads one to harbor certain negative and self-loathing beliefs about one’s person. These beliefs were not part of anyone’s original design. Instead, they were induced within through interpersonal channels.
In order for anyone to become a unique and authentic self, they need others to tell them and show them how to do that. That’s where certain aspects of personhood can get lost in translation. Disapproving looks, careless words, aggressive acts and the like from those who are teaching us how to be unique persons can be misinterpreted and downloaded as toxic shame.
A self is a unique person among other separate, yet connected unique persons. Every self is someone who is discovering his or her unique qualities in at least six different areas of personal growth. If these areas of growth are misguided, discouraged or disallowed, then there is a tendency to lose one’s sense of wholeness. A person who is shamed in any of the six areas will become a fragmented self. The fragmented self operates with some degree of “over the top” or “in the shell” type behavior.
Over the top stuff might include being unnecessarily loud and sometimes arrogant. It might also include inappropriate maneuvers in relationships such as crashing someone’s boundaries or being too demanding. Finally, over the top type behaviors might include being overly risky when such behavior wouldn’t be called for. This might manifest in extreme activities, excessive use of mind and mood altering substances, and overindulgence in anything.
In the shell stuff might include being socially withdrawn or isolated. Strong feelings of inferiority often invade the mind of a fragmented self in the shell. Thus, there may be a tendency to be rather self indicting and / or self degrading. The in the shell fragmented self might be rather plain almost seeming to live in a parallel type world. Sometimes in the shell people are referred to as being backward. They can be socially awkward, not really understanding social graces.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. Toxic shame attached to any area of self can be pain producing and life crippling.
Pain caused by the core of toxic shame will lead us on a quest toward pain reduction. It was Pia Mellody who conveyed the idea that addictions are present in this society in order to alleviate the pain and shame caused by unresolved issues of childhood trauma and abuse. The journey toward authentic self is sometimes thwarted by the paths of least resistance. Thus, the human organism learns from an early age that there are certain substances, activities, processes and thoughts that can be used as shortcuts. When the shortcuts for dealing with pain are habituated, it is only a matter of time before an addiction is formed and the toxic shame within goes underground.
When toxic shame goes underground, personal growth and authentic self formation tend to get put on hold. Thus, instead of becoming unique persons, people spend much of their time and energy impersonating themselves. They pretend to be someone they are not. Some experts have referred to codependency as a case of mistaken identity. It is when we lose touch with our unique and authentic selves. It is when we live by the scripts handed to us instead of discovering and growing into the unique and precious creations of God that we were intended to be. Toxic shame creates codependence.
Over the next few entries, we will be exploring how each of the six different areas of self can be deeply affected by toxic shame. This toxic shame holds us in bondage and prevents us from living. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility that empowers people to break free from the shackles of shame that inhibit the fullness of life. If you suspect that you might be carrying around some toxic shame, we can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8662 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
In order for anyone to become a unique and authentic self, they need others to tell them and show them how to do that. That’s where certain aspects of personhood can get lost in translation. Disapproving looks, careless words, aggressive acts and the like from those who are teaching us how to be unique persons can be misinterpreted and downloaded as toxic shame.
A self is a unique person among other separate, yet connected unique persons. Every self is someone who is discovering his or her unique qualities in at least six different areas of personal growth. If these areas of growth are misguided, discouraged or disallowed, then there is a tendency to lose one’s sense of wholeness. A person who is shamed in any of the six areas will become a fragmented self. The fragmented self operates with some degree of “over the top” or “in the shell” type behavior.
Over the top stuff might include being unnecessarily loud and sometimes arrogant. It might also include inappropriate maneuvers in relationships such as crashing someone’s boundaries or being too demanding. Finally, over the top type behaviors might include being overly risky when such behavior wouldn’t be called for. This might manifest in extreme activities, excessive use of mind and mood altering substances, and overindulgence in anything.
In the shell stuff might include being socially withdrawn or isolated. Strong feelings of inferiority often invade the mind of a fragmented self in the shell. Thus, there may be a tendency to be rather self indicting and / or self degrading. The in the shell fragmented self might be rather plain almost seeming to live in a parallel type world. Sometimes in the shell people are referred to as being backward. They can be socially awkward, not really understanding social graces.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. Toxic shame attached to any area of self can be pain producing and life crippling.
Pain caused by the core of toxic shame will lead us on a quest toward pain reduction. It was Pia Mellody who conveyed the idea that addictions are present in this society in order to alleviate the pain and shame caused by unresolved issues of childhood trauma and abuse. The journey toward authentic self is sometimes thwarted by the paths of least resistance. Thus, the human organism learns from an early age that there are certain substances, activities, processes and thoughts that can be used as shortcuts. When the shortcuts for dealing with pain are habituated, it is only a matter of time before an addiction is formed and the toxic shame within goes underground.
When toxic shame goes underground, personal growth and authentic self formation tend to get put on hold. Thus, instead of becoming unique persons, people spend much of their time and energy impersonating themselves. They pretend to be someone they are not. Some experts have referred to codependency as a case of mistaken identity. It is when we lose touch with our unique and authentic selves. It is when we live by the scripts handed to us instead of discovering and growing into the unique and precious creations of God that we were intended to be. Toxic shame creates codependence.
Over the next few entries, we will be exploring how each of the six different areas of self can be deeply affected by toxic shame. This toxic shame holds us in bondage and prevents us from living. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility that empowers people to break free from the shackles of shame that inhibit the fullness of life. If you suspect that you might be carrying around some toxic shame, we can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8662 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.
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