Common "Cover Ups" for Toxic Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:

Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.

Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.

Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.

Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.

Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.

Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.

If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.

Spiritual Abuse and Spiritual Shame

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame in the area of one’s spiritual life. Spiritual abuse appears to be a common occurrence and it tends to drive people away from the life-giving relationship one could have with something bigger than one’s self. Spiritual abuse comes in many different forms. It is always induced by someone who has been given real or perceived authority to say and do things in the name of God. In less extreme cases, it might be a shaming word of counsel shared by a Sunday School teacher or a nun. In more extreme forms, spiritual abuse might include sexual or physical abuse which, in turn, is perceived as being done with God’s stamp of approval.

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame that in turn, cuts one off from the activity of creative relating to something or someone outside of self. When this activity is cut out of life, it is often replaced with some cheap imitation of spirituality. One classic form of this is addiction. It was Gerald May who said that addictions are prayers gone awry. That is, in place of a creative and life-giving relationship with someone or something bigger than you, it gets reduced to the ritualized behaviors of someone trying to fill the emptiness with their drug(s) of choice.

If someone is spiritually abused they will contend with spiritual shame. And in response to spiritual shame, the god of their misunderstanding will promote all sorts of soul sickening beliefs and behaviors. The spiritually shamed will harbor distorted images of God or may have very well given up on the idea of God all together. If you are someone who has been spiritually abused and you find yourself struggling with the idea of having a relationship with the God of your understanding, then The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Vocational Shame: When You Haven't Been What You Wanted to be When You Grew Up

A few years ago, Rev. Rick Warren wrote a book called, The Purpose Driven Life. When it was first introduced in 2002, News Corps publishers expected the book to sell around 250,000 copies. However, it became an absolute best seller and sold nearly 5 million copies in 2006 alone. This book has done so well because it taps into something that people are longing to find. That is, people want to know why they are here and they want to know what they are supposed to be doing with their lives.

Knowing and fulfilling one’s life purpose is about vocation. Vocation is not necessarily akin to one’s job. In fact, many have jobs so that they can pursue their true vocation. When one’s vocation is discovered, it is very easy to be passionate and enthusiastic about life. When someone senses that he knows what he is supposed to be doing, life takes on renewed meaning.

However, when someone is shamed about their vocation, this can create problems. How many children have set out in one direction only to have their passions short-circuited by disapproving parents or other primary caregivers? How many flute players were forced to play football instead? How many artists were told that they would never amount to anything if they pursued this vocation? How many lawyers were supposed to be landscapers? We could go on.

The point is that toxic shame can disturb one’s vocational ambitions. When children are told that they cannot pursue their passions, there will be a tendency to rebel by dropping out or performing poorly. Or, the child will go into hiding and cultivate what some experts call a false self. The false self maintains the façade of conforming. The true self will get lost and only attempt to reappear when it seems safe enough to do so. For many that doesn’t happen until adulthood.

Vocational shame is an incubator for resentments that might last into adulthood. It can also be a contributor to restlessness and frequent job changes. It can also be what dispirits a child, who as an adult might become faithless and godless. Without faith, the adult child will be shaken by disruptions to the routines s/he has created to give him a false sense of security. Without a Higher Power, there is less of a chance for the adult child to relate to things which are bigger than him/her. The vocationally shamed adult child will also be deprived of creativity. S/he will not be familiar with inspiration or freedom to simply be and become.

The Bridge to Recovery is a great place to rethink one’s vocational identity. As we uncover the shame that binds, many of our clients get a new set of wings to boldly go and do what they always wanted to do in the first place. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.