Silencing Shaming Self Talk

“I am such a loser.” “How could I be so stupid?” “How could I have been so irresponsible?” “I should have known better.” “I’m a fraud.” “I deserve what I get.” “I’m not important.” “I am a waste of time.”

When something in my life goes wrong, these are the kinds of thoughts that can dominate my thinking. Recovery teaches me that such thoughts are not part of the standard equipment my Creator gave me. They were instilled within by important people like preachers, parents, coaches and teachers. These were well-intentioned people who misunderstood how to help nurture and grow impressionable young minds. Their life instructions were tainted by their own childhood wounds.

The problem I have had with my parents and/or other authority figures is the same problem we’ve all had. All of them had parents! More so, their parents’ parents and their parents’ grandparents had parents too. So, who’s to blame for the presence of shaming self-talk? Everyone and no one. That’s why we refer to codependency and addiction as no fault diseases.
The nature of such diseases is that the twisted thinking and acting that goes with them gets handed down through the generations with little or no scrutiny.

When left unchallenged, diseased thinking and acting become normalized and go unnoticed. As I work my program, I am discovering that I have allowed some diseased thoughts to live rent free in my head. But through recovery, I am learning how to distinguish between which thoughts are mine and which thoughts come from others. I am also learning how to deal with them. Here are three ways I am doing this:

1. I ask if my thinking is based in reality and self-respect. If my mental messages are over-qualifying (i.e. you always, you never, you can’t, you won’t, etc.) or if they put negative labels on me (i.e. stupid, idiot, waste of time, etc.), then I know they came from the outside. Over-qualifying and disrespectful messages need to be scrutinized. I do not need to give such messages absolute power over me.

2. I outsource my thinking for analysis by others. At The Bridge to Recovery we call this “getting objective data” or “good orderly direction”. Sponsors and recovering peers are excellent resources for us as we scrutinize and expel the negative messages and shaming voices in our heads.

3. I ask if I am thinking redemptive thoughts. Shaming self-talk condemns and isolates me. It prevents me from seeing hope and getting help. Redemption speaks of new beginnings, new opportunities and new ways to embrace the mysteries that life generates. I know that shaming from the outside has infiltrated my thinking when I can’t see hope beyond my character defects.

When things in my life go wrong, I need to keep my thoughts in check. When I can distinguish between my own thoughts and shaming self talk from outside sources, my Higher Power helps me see clearly that I am loved and a part of something much bigger than me. When shaming self-talk is silenced, I am less likely to medicate the pain such messages produce in my life. I am more inclined to concentrate on the good, right and noble truths about whom I am and where I am going. Inevitably, this points me toward more positive ways of being in this world the way my Creator intended me to be.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 6

We have been taking a look at some of the common cover ups for toxic shame. When someone is shame bound, there is a tendency to do certain things in order to cover over the pain that shame produces. Sometimes the cover ups make little sense to outsiders. However, for the person experiencing the pain, any relief seeking behavior will suffice. That is true even when an outsider would think that the behavior would be even more pain producing. Throughout the past five entries, we have examined several common cover-ups for toxic shame. In our last entry, we talked about addiction or addictive behaviors. In our final entry on this subject, we will take a look at a phenomenon known as reenactment or repetition compulsion.

When a person has been interpersonally shamed as a child in a particular way, there may be a tendency for the shame bound person to gravitate toward the same type of behaviors in their adult lives. For example, if the person were shamed through extreme forms of verbal abuse as a child, there may be a compulsion for the adult to seek out the same type of people in which to be in relationships. It was Sigmund Freud who first observed this sort of behavior. He noticed that there is often a tendency to reenact social situations in an attempt to “master” certain experiences. Thus, when there has been no resolution for a particular shaming pattern, the shame bound person will look for that same behavior in others.

However, there is also an adverse reaction to the interpersonal shaming episodes from childhood. The child who was abused may develop the same type of behaviors in adulthood and act out the same type of behaviors that were acted out on them. Again, without resolution, the shame dictates the behaviors a child will carry into adulthood.

Without any resolution to the shame, the child grows into an adult carrier of the shame and will deal with it in ways that at times seem absurd or confusing to outsiders. The Bridge to Recovery helps people who compulsively act out the very behaviors that were acted out on them. There is hope and shame bound people can find relief from the repetition compulsion that cycles them in and out of counterproductive interpersonal relationships. For more information about The Bridge to Recovery, visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 5

People suffering from induced interpersonal shame will attempt to appear normal. This is done through any number of toxic shame cover-ups. These cover-ups come in many different forms and include such behaviors as people-pleasing, patronizing, moralizing, caretaking and perfectionism. Shame bound people perceive these cover-ups to be short cuts for dealing with the pain they are carrying. In this entry we explore addiction and compulsive behaviors as another way people with induced toxic shame seek relief from the pain they are feeling.

Compulsive & Addictive Behaviors
Any substance, activity, process, thought or feeling can be used by a shame-bound person to avoid or take away the painful effects of intolerable reality. The excessive use and/or abuse of any substance, be it legal or illegal, natural or manufactured for the purpose of removing intolerable reality is a way to anesthetize the pain created by toxic shame. When a person discovers that the little pill or a few drinks can put the pain on hold, it becomes a constant companion. However, in the process of using the drug(s) of choice, any sense of identity one has is further concealed. In addition to that, the ingested substance offers only temporary relief. Finally, increased usage is the only way that more intolerable reality can be handled. Thus, the experimental becomes habitual and leads one into a full-fledged addiction. This further complicates matters for a person who is bound in toxic shame.

The activities and processes a shame based person might use are myriad. There are a number of activities and / or processes one might use to cover over the cacophony of voices within that tell the shame bound person that s/he is worthless. Some of the more common activities include work, religion, electronics (internet, video games, etc.) and compulsive gambling. All are ways one might attempt to silence the voices of the inner critics.

Shame bound people might also become addicted to ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Misery, depression, worry, pessimism, negativism, obsessive overanalyzing and intellectualizing can be addictive. If an individual feels more alive, more significant, or more in control when he is practicing any of these, if he is thus stimulated or tranquilized, he is using the thoughts / feelings and behaviors associated with them as drugs that are potentially addictive. Again, the thoughts and feelings are used to cover up the toxic shame a person feels.

If toxic shame has led you into addictive / compulsive behaviors, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 4

There are many ways that people will try to cover up the feelings of being bad, tainted, worthless and embarrassed that seem to go hand in hand with shame. Here we continue our conversation about some of the ways shame bound people try to deal with the pain. Three are explored here and they include patronizing, caretaking and people pleasing.

Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common Toxic Shame Cover-Ups: Part 3

Today’s entry continues our conversation about common cover ups for toxic shame. Shame is a debilitating affect and at toxic levels, it prevents someone from living life as it was meant to be lived. If someone is bound up with toxic shame, the last thing s/he wants is to be exposed or “found out”. Thus, the cover-ups we have been discussing from John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Three more are discussed here and they are arrogance, criticism & blaming and judgmentalism & moralizing.

Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.

Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 2 -- Control and Rage

Today we are going to take a look at two more cover ups people use to deal with the pain inevitably produced by toxic shame. They are controlling maneuvers and rage.

Controlling Maneuvers –For someone who is bound by shame, making him/herself vulnerable opens up the possibility of being shamed all over again. Therefore, control maneuvers are enacted to prevent this from occurring. Controlling Maneuvers can manifest in a variety of ways. Three are discussed here as they pertain to the way that adults might manifest controlling maneuvers in their daily lives.

1.) Power Struggles – If a person devotes excessive amounts of energy toward achieving the demise of legitimate authority figures, that person is more than likely an adult child who was interpersonally shamed by someone in authority. When an adult child fights authority to the bitter end, this is a good indication of having been hurt by someone with power when s/he was young.

2.) Incessant Demanding – When someone fights to have his or her way all the time, this is a clear indication of having been deprived (i.e. – abused, improperly nurtured, neglected) of basic needs as a child. Sometimes the demands are no more than inappropriate ways of trying to convey needs. However, there are also times when the incessant demander has confused needs with wants. The unrelenting stream of demands are nothing more than controlling maneuvers used as a cover up for induced toxic shame.

3.) Bullying – When someone either threatens or uses violence in order to maintain control, this is also a clear indication of having been deeply hurt as a child. This is just an explanation and should not at all be perceived as a legitimate excuse for the use of violence. Bullying tactics should not be tolerated at any age. It is a sign of deep-seated immaturity and maladaptive behavior that is counterproductive to getting needs met.

Rage – Rage is the most naturally occurring cover up for interpersonally induced shame. When a child is repeatedly shamed and does not have the power to protect him/herself through the appropriate and measured use of boundaries, then rage becomes a default emotion for dealing with the shame. However, by the time the child grows up and becomes an adult, the rage is often misdirected toward others who are undeserving of it. Rage keeps others away and thus is viewed by the one who rages as an appropriate cover up for the shame s/he is carrying. However, raging at others can also transfer the unbearable load of toxic shame to the next generation. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can unload toxic shame and pick up more useful tools for living life to the fullest. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 1 -- Perfectionism

Perfectionism is one learned response to living in a shaming environment. Shame based families demand perfection and family members are only valued for what they do rather than for being who they are. Precise production is what perfectionists strive for, but the environment is one in which you never really know how much is good enough. Therefore, in the absence of that knowledge, people never know when to stop producing.

Because there is ignorance regarding how much is enough, there is a tendency for the perfectionist to either over or under function. Overfunctioning behaviors push the perfectionist toward achieving the unobtainable. Overfunctioning is something that feels good for a season but then can lead to burnout and severe bouts with disappointment and depression. Underfunctioning behaviors are the result of being frustrated in one’s attempts to be perfect. Typically, underfunctioning is the equal and opposite reaction to overfunctioning. It’s the swinging of the pendulum from one extreme to the other. That is, after the overfunctioning behaviors no longer produce the desired results, it will lead toward underfunctioning behaviors.

Some experts tell us that compulsive perfectionistic behaviors in a person’s life are a predictable sign that s/he was severely hurt on some level while growing up. Perfectionism may be an attempt to repair one’s damaged integrity or to portray to the world that one has it “all together”. However perfectionism manifests, it can make life complicated. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment program that helps people find relief from the tyranny of perfection. For more information about our program, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Common "Cover Ups" for Toxic Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You there is a portion of a chapter where John Bradshaw lists several ways in which people with shame based identities try to mask their shame. These are referred to as Toxic Shame Cover Ups but they might as well be called Eleven Ways to “Cope” with Shame and Die a Slow Death. The truth is that shame will prematurely take someone to the grave. If operating from a shame based identity, here are some of the ways a person might be trying to "cope". In future blog entries, we will expound on each of them in more depth:

Perfectionism – Perfectionism is learned when one is valued only for doing. Perfectionists never know how much is good enough.

Striving for Power & Control – Those who must control everything, fear being vulnerable. To be vulnerable opens one up to being shamed even more.

Rage – The most naturally occurring cover up for shame. Rage keeps others away or transfers shame to others. When used as a cover up, rage becomes a state of being rather than a feeling among other feelings.

Arrogance – Offensively exaggerating one’s own importance.

Criticism and Blame – The most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When I feel put down and humiliated, I can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous and one up.

Patronizing – to patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – By doing these, a person can manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

Compulsive / Addictive Behaviors – Any process used to avoid or take away intolerable reality.

Reenactments – “I’ll get you before you get me.” Acting out on others the very same things that were acted out on you. Repetition compulsion.

If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone. The Bridge to Recovery has helped thousands of people get free from the shame that binds them. For more information, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or give us a call at 877-866-8661. Give us a call. We can help.

Spiritual Abuse and Spiritual Shame

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame in the area of one’s spiritual life. Spiritual abuse appears to be a common occurrence and it tends to drive people away from the life-giving relationship one could have with something bigger than one’s self. Spiritual abuse comes in many different forms. It is always induced by someone who has been given real or perceived authority to say and do things in the name of God. In less extreme cases, it might be a shaming word of counsel shared by a Sunday School teacher or a nun. In more extreme forms, spiritual abuse might include sexual or physical abuse which, in turn, is perceived as being done with God’s stamp of approval.

Spiritual abuse induces toxic shame that in turn, cuts one off from the activity of creative relating to something or someone outside of self. When this activity is cut out of life, it is often replaced with some cheap imitation of spirituality. One classic form of this is addiction. It was Gerald May who said that addictions are prayers gone awry. That is, in place of a creative and life-giving relationship with someone or something bigger than you, it gets reduced to the ritualized behaviors of someone trying to fill the emptiness with their drug(s) of choice.

If someone is spiritually abused they will contend with spiritual shame. And in response to spiritual shame, the god of their misunderstanding will promote all sorts of soul sickening beliefs and behaviors. The spiritually shamed will harbor distorted images of God or may have very well given up on the idea of God all together. If you are someone who has been spiritually abused and you find yourself struggling with the idea of having a relationship with the God of your understanding, then The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Vocational Shame: When You Haven't Been What You Wanted to be When You Grew Up

A few years ago, Rev. Rick Warren wrote a book called, The Purpose Driven Life. When it was first introduced in 2002, News Corps publishers expected the book to sell around 250,000 copies. However, it became an absolute best seller and sold nearly 5 million copies in 2006 alone. This book has done so well because it taps into something that people are longing to find. That is, people want to know why they are here and they want to know what they are supposed to be doing with their lives.

Knowing and fulfilling one’s life purpose is about vocation. Vocation is not necessarily akin to one’s job. In fact, many have jobs so that they can pursue their true vocation. When one’s vocation is discovered, it is very easy to be passionate and enthusiastic about life. When someone senses that he knows what he is supposed to be doing, life takes on renewed meaning.

However, when someone is shamed about their vocation, this can create problems. How many children have set out in one direction only to have their passions short-circuited by disapproving parents or other primary caregivers? How many flute players were forced to play football instead? How many artists were told that they would never amount to anything if they pursued this vocation? How many lawyers were supposed to be landscapers? We could go on.

The point is that toxic shame can disturb one’s vocational ambitions. When children are told that they cannot pursue their passions, there will be a tendency to rebel by dropping out or performing poorly. Or, the child will go into hiding and cultivate what some experts call a false self. The false self maintains the façade of conforming. The true self will get lost and only attempt to reappear when it seems safe enough to do so. For many that doesn’t happen until adulthood.

Vocational shame is an incubator for resentments that might last into adulthood. It can also be a contributor to restlessness and frequent job changes. It can also be what dispirits a child, who as an adult might become faithless and godless. Without faith, the adult child will be shaken by disruptions to the routines s/he has created to give him a false sense of security. Without a Higher Power, there is less of a chance for the adult child to relate to things which are bigger than him/her. The vocationally shamed adult child will also be deprived of creativity. S/he will not be familiar with inspiration or freedom to simply be and become.

The Bridge to Recovery is a great place to rethink one’s vocational identity. As we uncover the shame that binds, many of our clients get a new set of wings to boldly go and do what they always wanted to do in the first place. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Relationships & Shame

Sometimes toxic shame cripples one’s ability to be a self in relationship to others. Relational shame manifests as an inability to play the required roles one must play as an offspring, sibling, friend, employee, spouse, parent or grandparent. Relational shame leads some to fear the roles s/he must play. This fear will manifest in hyper vigilance or over analysis. In turn, this fear will fuel overreaction to the things one's partner might say and do in the relationship. Consistent overreaction to what is said and done can then lead to the termination of a relationship. If /When this happens, a shame based person's worst fears are then solidified and carried into the next relationship.

Sometimes relational shame leads someone to believe that no one can be trusted. When a person believes this, s/he will try to control, manipulate or avoid relationships. Attempts at controlling can lead the one being controlled to comply, rebel or disappear. Attempts at manipulating can lead the one being manipulated to participate in all sorts of relationship games. Attempts at avoiding relationships leads to isolation. Isolation is the experience of believing you can depend on no one. Isolation leads to loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling of profound sadness and is coupled with the belief that there is no one to whom you truly belong. Loneliness also promotes depression and despair.

Relational shame is born out of family systems plagued with addiction and codependence. At The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon has often used this line to describe the insanity of growing up with an addict. “A dysfunctional family is a dictatorship run by its sickest member.” Everyone bows down to the sickest member and learns that s/he must take extreme stances and /or behave in extreme fashions in order to get his or her needs met. In this extreme environment, the thermostat for normal gets skewed and the person coming out of a system like this carries around toxic shame about relationships and relational inadequacies.

The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility offering a comprehensive program of recovery for people suffering from broken and fragmented relationships. The Bridge to Recovery is a place where people can do the necessary work to reset the relational thermostat back to normal. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/

Body Shame

The human experience is fundamentally rooted in the body. Even though there are times when some might transcend their bodies (i.e. through imagination, guided imagery, visualization, etc.), there is no getting around the fact that nearly every day, we will experience life through our physical selves. A dilemma for many is a lack of esteem when it comes to their bodies. Certain cultures and family systems induce a great deal of shame in relationship to how our bodies look, feel, and smell. Since we live in our bodies, this brand of shame can inhibit us significantly.

Body shame puts people in the place of feeling entirely uncomfortable in their own skin. It can promote self loathing and, if not dealt with, it can be extremely hard on the one trying to live his / her daily life. Many of today’s eating disorders, body image distortions, self-harming and self-mutilating behaviors, unsafe and exploitative sexual acting out can be attributed to toxic shame around our physical selves.

Body shame has an effect on many different areas. Two are explored here. One area affected by body shame is that of image. People who are ashamed of their bodies will often have strong feelings about how they look. In an attempt to deal with this, some will do anything to keep up appearances. This might include attempts to control one’s appearance through the clothing, makeup and accessories they buy / wear, the food they restrict and/or the food they will eat and then eliminate. It may also lead some to have their bodies surgically altered. An excessively rigorous exercise program could also be part of one’s body image management routines.

Another area affected by body shame is our sexuality. In John Bradshaw’s seminal work, Healing the Shame that Binds You he writes,

"Perhaps no aspect of human activity has been as dysfunctionally
shamed as much as our sexuality. Sexuality is the core of human
selfhood. Our sex is not something we have or do, it is who we are.
It’s the first thing we notice about each other. Sexuality is a basic fact
in all created things. If we shut off this drive, we would annihilate the
human race in 120 years. Our sexual energy (libido) is our unique
incarnation of the life force itself. To have our sex drive shamed is to
be shamed to the core." (p. 54)

Thus, when the core of human selfhood is bound up in shame, it becomes quite difficult to take delight in one of life’s most enjoyable and nurturing human experiences. When body image issues are bound up with shame in the area of one’s sexuality, it will be difficult to have a balanced experience in this area.
If you have body image issues, The Bridge to Recovery can help you break free from the shame that binds you. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com

Shame and Emotions

Discovering one’s emotional self is at the core of personhood. Without access to our feelings, we lose track of who we are and who we are not. We will also find it difficult to handle any of the proverbial “curve balls” life throws at us. That is to say, the ebb and flow of life puts us in a virtual tailspin.

We all need access to the God-given emotions that are a part of the experience of living. However, when we are shamed for having emotions, some of the vitality of life gets buried deep inside us. Without emotions we lose out on one of the strongest builders of intimacy and community. Without emotional honesty, our lives become lies.

People who lack in their ability to have and express emotions typically grew up in shame based family systems. Such environments are incubators for addiction and codependency. When someone grows up in a shame based family system, their attempts to express feelings are met with hostility, indifference or incredulousness.

For some families, anyone who feels is perceived as a threat. Therefore, feelings get met with hostility. This hostility might be in the form of physical violence but it could be verbal abuse as well. This broadcasts a signal to the one attempting to express feelings that it is not safe to do so. Other families simply don’t have the maturity on board to hear and embrace someone who is having their feelings. This sort of indifference broadcasts a signal to the child that feelings are not acceptable because no one will listen anyway. Finally, when it comes to an inability to deal with emotions, some shame based families simply perpetuate what they themselves experienced growing up. In other words, no one knows how to feel and therefore, the next generation has no effective models for how to express their feelings.

When we are denied our feelings, we miss out on significant dimensions of healing. How many tears have those with shamed emotions denied themselves? How many peaceful moments have never been realized because someone did not have the ability to work through his or her anger? How many are stuck in some ambiguous plane of existence because they were denied the tools needed to grieve and move on?

When emotions are shamed, so is a significant part of personhood. Emotions help us to experience the inner landscape of our own reality. They also help us convey that reality to others in meaningful ways. M. Scott Peck said that there is a correlation between mental illness and an inability to be fully committed to living in reality. Additionally, studies are now showing that when our feelings are denied, we are more prone to disease and sickness.

If you find it difficult to have and express your feelings, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Toxic Shame and the Intellectual Self

Toxic shame has a way of wrapping itself around any number of our attempts at discovering and being who we are. Our sense of uniqueness gets blindsided by shaming messages that assault the soul. These messages come to us both directly and indirectly. However they get in, they get embedded deep within. Thus, our attempts at cultivating and becoming all that our Creator intended gets slowed down. It is only when we do the work of self examination and self differentiation that we can part ways with the shame that holds us hostage.

The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. In this blog entry we will examine what shame attached to the Intellectual self looks like.

“You are such an idiot!”
“How could you be so stupid!”
“Talking to you is like talking to the sidewalk!”
“Stop talking. That’s all you do.”
“You don’t know how to listen do you?”

Such careless phrases uttered by parents, grandparents, older siblings and authority figures in the wider world of a child can shape the child’s opinion of his intellectual self. Now, if someone says this to the child just once or twice, the devastating effects will not be so evident.

However, if the child receives a steady flow of these types of shaming messages without any type of intervention, then there will be noticeable consequences in adult life. There are no exact predictors of what the consequences might be. Generally speaking, the adult child will gravitate toward trying to prove to the ones who shamed him that he really is smart. Thus, he might have collected quite a few academic awards. He might have graduated in the top percentage of his class. He might have spent inordinate amounts of time working on his grades in an attempt to prove he is smart. There will not be a love for learning or for the educational process. Instead, the one with a shamed intellect will be compelled to perform and will go to any lengths in order to earn approval in this area.

Conversely, the one with a shamed intellect might just as easily believe that he is intellectually deficient. When that is the case, he will act the part or lack the confidence to assert and / or express his own thoughts. He may also believe he is not able to handle some of life’s tasks and thus his finances might suffer or his ability to organize and get things accomplished might be lacking.

A bruised intellect can heal rather quickly. A shamed intellect needs a more intentional strategy for recovery. The Bridge to Recovery can help people who are tired of trying to prove they are bright. The Bridge to Recovery can also help people who don’t realize how bright they really are. For more information, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us on the web at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Shame Cores, Addiction and Codependence

At the core of addiction and codependence is shame. This core of shame is toxic. It will drive any person toward any means possible to alleviate the pain it causes. Toxic shame leads one to harbor certain negative and self-loathing beliefs about one’s person. These beliefs were not part of anyone’s original design. Instead, they were induced within through interpersonal channels.

In order for anyone to become a unique and authentic self, they need others to tell them and show them how to do that. That’s where certain aspects of personhood can get lost in translation. Disapproving looks, careless words, aggressive acts and the like from those who are teaching us how to be unique persons can be misinterpreted and downloaded as toxic shame.

A self is a unique person among other separate, yet connected unique persons. Every self is someone who is discovering his or her unique qualities in at least six different areas of personal growth. If these areas of growth are misguided, discouraged or disallowed, then there is a tendency to lose one’s sense of wholeness. A person who is shamed in any of the six areas will become a fragmented self. The fragmented self operates with some degree of “over the top” or “in the shell” type behavior.
Over the top stuff might include being unnecessarily loud and sometimes arrogant. It might also include inappropriate maneuvers in relationships such as crashing someone’s boundaries or being too demanding. Finally, over the top type behaviors might include being overly risky when such behavior wouldn’t be called for. This might manifest in extreme activities, excessive use of mind and mood altering substances, and overindulgence in anything.
In the shell stuff might include being socially withdrawn or isolated. Strong feelings of inferiority often invade the mind of a fragmented self in the shell. Thus, there may be a tendency to be rather self indicting and / or self degrading. The in the shell fragmented self might be rather plain almost seeming to live in a parallel type world. Sometimes in the shell people are referred to as being backward. They can be socially awkward, not really understanding social graces.
The six different areas of self are the: 1.) Intellectual self 2.) Emotional self 3.) Physical self 4.) Relational self 5.) Vocational self and 6.) Spiritual self. If toxic shame gets attached to any or all of these areas, then false, negative and self-loathing beliefs will begin forming. Toxic shame attached to any area of self can be pain producing and life crippling.

Pain caused by the core of toxic shame will lead us on a quest toward pain reduction. It was Pia Mellody who conveyed the idea that addictions are present in this society in order to alleviate the pain and shame caused by unresolved issues of childhood trauma and abuse. The journey toward authentic self is sometimes thwarted by the paths of least resistance. Thus, the human organism learns from an early age that there are certain substances, activities, processes and thoughts that can be used as shortcuts. When the shortcuts for dealing with pain are habituated, it is only a matter of time before an addiction is formed and the toxic shame within goes underground.

When toxic shame goes underground, personal growth and authentic self formation tend to get put on hold. Thus, instead of becoming unique persons, people spend much of their time and energy impersonating themselves. They pretend to be someone they are not. Some experts have referred to codependency as a case of mistaken identity. It is when we lose touch with our unique and authentic selves. It is when we live by the scripts handed to us instead of discovering and growing into the unique and precious creations of God that we were intended to be. Toxic shame creates codependence.

Over the next few entries, we will be exploring how each of the six different areas of self can be deeply affected by toxic shame. This toxic shame holds us in bondage and prevents us from living. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility that empowers people to break free from the shackles of shame that inhibit the fullness of life. If you suspect that you might be carrying around some toxic shame, we can help. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8662 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Five Reasons Why Some of Us Stay Chronically Busy

1. We believe that our identity depends on our productivity. Others will frown on us if we relax and take a break.
2. We believe that we are indispensable. In other words, life as we know it would not go on if we weren’t there in the middle of so many things.
3. We believe that we are invincible. We can take anything that is dished out to us. We believe we can defy the natural laws that govern the universe. Who needs 8 hours of sleep when you can make it on 4 and a gallon of coffee?
4. We lack focus and direction. We don’t know where we are headed and therefore just keep moving. Have you ever seen a fly trying to escape through a closed window? It just keeps banging its face into the glass until its exhausted. Then it takes a break and starts over.
5. We work until we drop so we don’t have to face ourselves (i.e. our spiritual condition, our emotions, our relational dilemmas, our loneliness). "The quiet scares me because it screams the truth." --Pink from the song, "Sober".

Part 5: Working Ourselves to Death

In our last blog entry, we discussed three different manifestations of work addiction. The work addiction can manifest in the most traditional way by infiltrating our paid jobs (The Paid Workaholic). Work addiction can also infiltrate our attempts to stay physically fit (The Fitness Fanatic). Our third manifestation is when work addiction infiltrates our day timers affecting every activity and leaving us charged with adrenaline while trying to beat the clock (The Hurried Sick). In this entry, we continue our discussion by examining three more.

The Heroic Housekeeper:
For the Heroic Housekeeper, projects are the name of the game. However, the Heroic Housekeeper tends to start many projects but finishes very few. This is due to the fact that there is an unrealistically high set of expectations s/he has about her/his ability to accomplish goals. Typically, the Heroic Housekeeper has more short and long term goals than can be realistically achieved in the time allotted. The Heroic Housekeeper’s mantra is “My worth is contingent on the number of projects I can cross off my list.” Thus, s/he pushes him/herself and others to get the projects done. And when the projects don’t get finished, the Heroic Housekeeper feels a tremendous sense of let down.

The Volunteer of the Year:
The Volunteer of the Year has parlayed his / her work addiction into a tendency toward activism. Sometimes his / her work addiction is combined with an addiction to rescuing or fixing others. The Volunteer wants to be in the thick of as many opportunities to make a difference as s/he can. The mantra of the Volunteer of the Year is “I am what I change.” or “I am the difference I make.” Thus, s/he is willing to be involved even at the expense of lost time, money, relationships, and personal growth. Volunteers of the Year are compelled to serve because they are what they do and if they are not doing anything, then they lose their sense of identity.

The Militant Hobbyist (aka the Hobby Nazi):
As work addiction infiltrates any and every area of life, it has a certain way of destroying any attempts one might make to have fun without any strings attached. The Militant Hobbyist is someone whose work addiction has married the fun things one might do to enjoy life. Militant Hobbyists (aka Hobby Nazis) know how to turn leisurely activities into forced marches. In fact, the further along the addiction progresses, the more exhausting normally fun activities become. The Militant Hobbyist spends inordinate amounts of time perfecting the particular hobby being indulged. In the process, s/he loses sight of the therapeutic value of recreation and makes it all about perfecting the craft. The mantra of the Militant Hobbyist is “I am what I perfect.” As soon as the hobby is perfected, that is perceived as a conquest. Subsequently, there will be a tendency to move on to some other form of recreation all for the sake of perpetuating the addiction.

As you can see, work addiction is just as serious a progressive disease as any other addiction. It can manifest in many ways by permeating one or more parts of a person’s life. If someone does not arrest his or her work addiction, it tends to piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life. If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. Call us at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Part 4: Working Ourselves to Death

Portraits of Workaholism

The old saying that addiction is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease certainly rings true in the case of work addiction. Work addiction can manifest in many ways by infiltrating one or more parts of a person’s life. This entry will explore three of six common expressions or forms of workaholism. Notice how sneaky a work addiction can be and how, if left unchecked, it will piggy back on just about any area of a carrier’s life.

The Paid Workaholic:
This is the most traditional form of work addiction. It can affect both “White Collar” and “Blue Collar” workers. Paid Workaholics have figured out that their productivity on the job has many rewards. The harder they work the more kudos they get. People acting out their work addiction on the job will receive all sorts of perks that can include financial gain, promotions and more responsibilities. This, in turn, may drive the Paid Workaholic toward levels of production that are difficult to sustain for extended periods of time. Thus, the Paid Workaholic creates an unsustainable job situation that will eventually unravel. When this happens, the Paid Workaholic experiences a tremendous letdown. The mantra of the Paid Workaholic is, “I am what I do.” So, when a Paid Workaholic doesn’t produce as much and can’t seem to have success, this is taken personally and might eventually lead the Paid Workaholic into recovery.

The Fitness Fanatic:
When work addiction invades the fitness center, it often produces a Fitness Fanatic. Like any other fanatic, the Fitness Fanatic is a person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm for his or her cause. The Fitness Fanatic finds that an over exaggerated and almost compulsive dedication to his/her particular form of exercise(s) produces results. These results give him/her a definite advantage over and above others (superiority) and thus reinforces the hunger for more. The mantra of the Fitness Fanatic is “I am my results.” Thus, the fitness fanatic perpetuates his or her addiction by always doing more. When a Fitness Fanatic hits plateaus in making progress, this often leads him/ her into a mild depression. If a Fitness Fanatic gets injured while exercising, s/he may continue to exercise in spite of obvious negative consequences.

The Hurried Sick:
Work addiction may permeate every area of life and produce a form of workaholism best described as the Hurried Sick. The Hurried Sick workaholic is constantly overbooked. S/he believes that mass production is the name of the game and so s/he will not leave any room in the calendar for mistakes or hang-ups in his / her itinerary. Thus, the Hurried Sick person often finds him/herself needing to be in two places at the same time. This type of behavior may seem unrealistic and self-defeating. However, the mantra of the Hurried Sick is, “I am only as good as the pace I keep.” Thus, the fast pace of the Hurried Sick produces the desired effects of anxiety, worry and a full-flowing adrenaline rush.

These three forms of work addiction do not have any respect for race, ethnicity or socioeconomic status. Any person coming from dysfunctional family of origin conditions can gravitate toward a work addiction just as easily as they might gravitate toward an addiction to an ingested substance such as alcohol or nicotine.

If you are working yourself to death, The Bridge to Recovery can help you put the brakes on your addiction. For more information about our program, please call 877-866-8661 or visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.

Stay tuned for our next blog entry as we explore three other forms a work addiction might take.

Part 3: Working Ourselves to Death

If you come from a family system that is overly preoccupied, unable to deal with pain and loss and replete with toxic rules and roles, a natural byproduct of that is to think and behave in extremes. The extreme thoughts and behaviors born out of a dysfunctional family system promote shame.

Shame, at toxic levels, distorts the internal experience of being a unique and precious person of value. Thus, the tendency will be to think too lowly or too highly of one’s self. When someone believes s/he is inferior or superior, then certain actions will follow.

Thoughts of Inferiority
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I’m damaged goods.
I’m bad.
I’m insignificant.
I’m less than.

Actions of Inferiority
Overconsumption of anything that alters one’s mind and mood.
People-pleasing
Approval-seeking
Insatiable neediness
Doormat Syndrome

Thoughts of Superiority
I’m better than others.
I’m smarter than others.
I’m more important than anyone else.
I’m the best.
I’m perfect.

Actions of Superiority

Frustrated Perfectionism.
Hyperproductivity; Success driven.
Achievement compulsion.
Workaholism.

This further illustrates how a dysfunctional family system can promote the thoughts that eventually lead to the creation of someone with a work addiction. If you are someone who struggles with thoughts of inferiority and superiority, then you can benefit from a stay at The Bridge to Recovery. For more information about our program, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.

Part 2: Working Ourselves to Death

In our last reading, we looked at some of the characteristics of those who are work addicted. Now we will take a look beneath the surface and explore why one might be working him or herself to death. Much of our addictive tendencies begin when we are young. While growing up, there might be other influences on a person’s life, but the strongest influence, for better or for worse, is the family of origin. When children are growing up in families where certain dynamics exist, it can be an incubator for addiction. Here are some of the most salient contributing factors to the birth of an addictive process like workaholism.

Inordinate and Consistent Preoccupation of the Family’s Primary Caregivers : Some workaholics grew up in families where one or both parents were overly preoccupied with some activity, thought process or addiction which prevented them from being fully present. This kind of preoccupation is indicative of some degree of emotional cutting off or cutting back. In other words, members of the family have unresolved issues that prevent them from being fully present. This type of environment can have an adverse effect on the children growing up in it because it leads them to believe that they themselves must be the problem. If that is the case, the children tend to think they must win their parents’ approval. Thus, an addiction to doing in order to earn love begins forming in a child’s life.

Unexpressed Trauma experienced by the Family of Origin: There are times when a family will experience some type of significant loss, trauma or severance of relationship and not have the resources to deal with it in a healthy fashion. Some examples of this include but are not limited to:

• Death
• Lengthy or major illness
• Divorce
• Abandonment
• Bankruptcy
• Termination of employment creating economic hardship

One way people attempt to work through the pain of loss is by becoming busy and refusing to talk. Busyness keeps a family’s mind off the loss they’ve experienced. When you stay busy, you don’t have to talk. When busyness and silence are modeled to the children as a way to cope with pain and loss, then it can naturally download into the next generation as they seek for ways to cope with any of the pain and losses they will experience.

Rigid Rules and Roles: The family adopted some form of demanding and yet self-defeating rules and roles that seemed normal but nonetheless, hindered the free flow of personal creativity, spontaneity, freedom, growth and appropriate expressions of love, nurture and respect among family members.

All three of these can contribute to the making of a workaholic. If you grew up in a family with any or all of the abovementioned, then there is a chance that you too might be struggling with an addiction to work. The Bridge to Recovery is a residential treatment facility specializing in treating people with codependent tendencies and process oriented addictions like workaholism. For more information on how we can help, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Part 1: Working Ourselves to Death

We live in a paradoxical culture where many equate being with doing. Consequently, there is great emphasis placed on personal production over against personality. But at the same time, our culture broadcasts an unobtainable vision of the “good life” being a life of complete leisure. This certainly sends a barrage of confusing signals to people who are part of this strange and wonderful culture in which we all live.

Over the next few days, I want us to explore workaholism. Workaholism is a process oriented addiction that can permeate every area of a person’s life. Furthermore, as an addiction, it is no respecter of race, religion or socioeconomic status. For people who are work addicted, the disease can infiltrate any and every aspect of one’s existence.

In her book, Never Good Enough, co-founder of The Bridge to Recovery, Carol Cannon, points out many of the characteristics common to all who struggle with an addiction to work. Several are noteworthy here:

They live to work rather than work to live. For the work addicted, work becomes a primary source of one’s identity. A lie is cultivated within that tells the work addict that he or she can’t live, move or breathe if not working.

They get high on multi-tasking. When work addicted people multi-task, they don’t have to feel their feelings. Instead, they enjoy the benefits derived from the manufacturing of their own adrenaline.

They operate in hyper drive. The American Heritage dictionary defines hyperdrive as, “A state of heightened activity or concentration.” This state of being is one way that a progressive illness such as work addiction will isolate its carrier. Work addicts value production over connection with others. The more work a workaholic does, the better s/he feels but the less connected s/he becomes with others. This works fine until some sort of personal crisis leaves the workaholic unable to cope due to a lack of support.

They lose touch with reality. People who are work addicted have bought into the lie that they are human doings. With that being the case, they often find themselves believing that they are exempt from the laws that govern the rest of the universe. This often results in unrealistic expectations about how much time certain projects take or how long it takes to get to an appointment across town. Workaholics routinely over-commit and sometimes they will carelessly double book themselves. They simply don’t have a firm grasp on reality.

They become irritable when interrupted. If you ever come between addicts of any kind and their drugs of choice, watch out! Addictions of any kind fuse with our identities both fueling and feeding our drives and urges. A workaholic must work in order to feel complete. When you stand between the work addicted and his/her drug of choice, you will be perceived as a distraction or obstacle to that drug of choice. Thus, the work addict will become unnecessarily angered by any sort of interruption to his or her work.

When trying to determine whether or not you might have a work addiction, it is important to look less at what and how much you do and more at why you are doing what you do. After an honest exploration into why, people who are work addicted typically discover a number of underlying reasons they are working themselves to death. In our next Bridge Blog we will explore in more depth some of these underlying reasons.

If you suspect that you might be a workaholic, The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com or call us at 877-866-8661.

Also, for more information about Workaholism, please visit the Workaholics Anonymous website www.workaholics-anonymous.org

Part 5: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

We have been exploring five contributing factors to codependence. You might be a codependent if you grew up in a family system where there was an untreated addict or codependent. Additionally, you might be a codependent if you grew up in a family where there was abuse of any kind. You might also be a codependent if you grew up in a family system where your primary caregivers abandoned you. Now we will explore the fifth contributing factor.

5.) You might be a codependent if you grew up in an enmeshed family system.

In relationship to human behavior, enmeshment is a way of relating where there is a lack of personal boundary space. This lack of personal space is not only physical. It is also mental and emotional space.

Enmeshed people lack a sense of personal identity. Typically, they have difficulty recognizing where one person begins and another ends. They suffer from a condition that some experts refer to as an undifferentiated ego mass. That is, they are unable to think or act independently. They are so linked together that when Person A in the relationship does something embarrassing, Person B is the one who feels embarrassed.

It may also mean that there is little to no room for any sort of disagreement. Thus, each person says “yes” in the relationship all the time. When this happens, more and more “self” is given up for the sake of the enmeshed relationship. Enmeshed people may be locked together and be completely miserable. When that is the case, the relationship is intense and can be both verbally and physically abusive.

Enmeshment is one way of reacting to abandonment. Thus, the compulsion to enmesh is typically fueled by intense fear and anxiety about losing someone. Primary caregivers who enmesh with their children may have been abandoned when they were children or may have been currently abandoned by their significant other. Whatever the variables may be, the tendency toward enmeshment is always enacted upon out of fear.

People who were raised in family systems where there has been enmeshment may lean toward codependence because they have not been given the space needed to mature and to cultivate personal identity. Thus, they remain dependent on the ones with whom they are enmeshed. The Bridge to Recovery can assist people from enmeshed family systems. One major aspect of our work is guiding people toward finding their unique identities apart from others and to recapture the internal experience of treasuring one’s own preciousness.

The Bridge to Recovery helps people break free from the pain in adulthood caused by unresolved issues, wounds and trauma in childhood. To learn more, give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.

Part 4: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

Codependency does not occur in a vacuum. It is something that is the result of certain precipitating factors. This blog entry details a fourth contributing factor to Codependency.

4.) Growing up in a family system where there has been some degree of abandonment.

Abandonment can be either physical or emotional. Each form has varying degrees. Physical abandonment can be intentional and / or accidental. It occurs when one or both primary caregivers simply disappear. This may be for a lifetime or it may be seasonal. A physical abandonment might occur for any number of reasons. To name a few, it may be because of a caregiver’s addiction, mental illness, medical condition, death, divorce or a general inability to cope with family life.

Emotional abandonment occurs when one or both primary caregivers cannot provide the emotional support a child needs in order to be nurtured. When a primary caregiver is inordinately preoccupied with any sort of addiction, the addiction gets more attention than the children. That sort of abandonment might be referred to as an emotional cutoff. If a primary caregiver is full of anxiety, he or she might cut back emotionally in order to maintain safety. That emotional unavailability can be perceived by a child as a form of abandonment.

What sort of messages are conveyed to children when they are abandoned? In less extreme cases, the message might be, “You are not worth my time.” In more extreme cases, the message is “You are worthless.” All abandonment broadcasts a message to the child conveying to him or her that s/he is, on some level, unlovable. When a child is in an environment where they are abandoned, the child receives this message and immediately begins looking for ways to compensate for this lack of love.

Whether it is physical or emotional abandonment, it leaves the child in a state of loneliness and distress. If the primary caregiver is checked out or completely absent, the child reacts in any number of ways. Some retreat into a fantasy world. Some will become hardened. Some will adopt a persona of fear. Some will try to earn their approval through any number of self sacrificing type behaviors. Some will gravitate toward the use of a substance, activity or process in order to medicate the pain they feel as a result of their loss.

When children are abandoned by their primary caregivers they are in a more vulnerable position to become codependent. The Bridge to Recovery helps people explore how their abandonment issues affect their ability to trust, be honest and be intimate with others. For more information, please visit our website (www.thebridgetorecovery.com) or call us toll free at 877-866-8661.

Part 3: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

The current thread of discussion is dealing with some of the major contributors to codependence. Our particular working definition of Codependence is "the experience of being an immature child in an adult body." So far, we have examined how growing up in family systems where there is addiction or untreated codependence can be the source of one's own struggle with codependency or codependent tendencies. Now we shall take a look at a third contributing factor:

3. Growing up in a family system where there has been abuse in any form. This is a delicate issue but it deserves full attention. When someone is raised in an abusive environment, the energy needed to grow up gets diverted. Instead of growing up, someone in an abusive environment uses his or her growth energy to survive. Surviving is not the same as thriving. Survivors have developed skill sets that served them well in an abusive context. However, when they no longer find themselves threatened by abusive conditions, the survival skills don’t seem to fit too well into the context of intimate adult relationships. It is difficult to be transparent and respectful when you perceive and/or believe that your partner wants to do you harm.

If you revert to survivor mode when it is entirely unnecessary, you are probably suffering from codependence. That is, you did not get the kind of nurturing you needed in order to go on to maturity. Often times, anything considered to be abusive is associated with visible signs such as bruises, cuts, black eyes, busted lips and the like. That is evidence of overt physical abuse. But overt physical abuse is only one form that abuse can take. There are other forms that can also contribute to one having the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. Let’s examine a few of these:

· Physical Abuse – As described above, this form of abuse includes the use of physical violence. However, it may also come in the form of neglect, verbal threats of physical harm and being subjected to witnessing someone else’s abuse.
· Sexual Abuse – This form of abuse includes but is not limited to physical and sexual acts with an offender, underexposure to age appropriate sexual information, overexposure to inappropriate sexual information, verbal abuse about sexuality, sexual shaming and poor parental modeling of healthy sexuality to a child.
· Emotional Abuse – Verbal abuse in the form of shaming, name-calling, harsh criticism and cursing. Silent abuse such as glaring, ignoring and looking hatefully at a child. Over or under controlling behavior and the neglect of dependency needs (need for time, love attention, direction) can also be considered forms of emotional abuse.
· Social Abuse – Making fun of a child or attacking a child for something about his person that he cannot change (e.g. – race, size, intelligence, religious preference, socio-economic status. Over or under exposure to opportunities for social development can also be considered a form of social abuse.
· Intellectual Abuse – Disregarding a child’s opinions or accomplishments. Demanding more from the child intellectually than is age appropriate. Discounting, disrespecting or disregarding a child’s requests and wishes. Depriving a child of academic opportunities for advancing a child too fast academically.
· Spiritual Abuse – Abuse of a child’s spirit which in turn deprives him of his sense of worth, identity and value and robs him of the right to be the unique person God intended him to be.

The Bridge to Recovery promotes some high ideals about what constitutes abuse. Simply put, abuse is considered to be anything said or done to a child that is less than nurturing. Exposure to that which is less than nurturing is what hinders a child’s ability to go on to maturity. The degree someone has grown up in an abusive environment is an accurate indicator of whether or not someone will be codependent or exhibit codependent tendencies. There is an old axiom used from time to time around The Bridge to Recovery that seems to say it best: “If you abuse a child, you will create a codependent.”

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who came from abusive upbringings. We can help. Give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit our website at www.thebridgetorecovery.com

Part 2: You Might Be a Codependent IF...

In the last blog entry, we set forth five contributing factors to codependency. They are as follows:

• Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
• Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
• Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
• Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
• Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.

Our last blog entry also focused on the first of the abovementioned five. This blog entry explores the second contributing factor:

2. Growing up in a family system where there’s an untreated codependent. Let me remind you that one way to talk about codependency is by describing it as the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. When you slow this description down and allow it to sink in, there are a few observations one might make.

First, it is described as an experience. In other words, it is something that is known, felt and familiar. However, because you find yourself right in the middle of the experience, it is difficult to believe that there are other ways of putting life together. The experience, for better or worse, becomes familiar and therefore reassuring. The experience seems normal.

Second, it is described as the experience of being an immature child. Knowing, feeling and being familiar with immaturity is what seems right and normal to the codependent. Please note that immaturity is not a value judgment. When someone is immature, it does not mean that he or she is a bad person. It simply means that there is more growing up to do. So, in that sense, the experience of being an immature child speaks to the fact that you were deprived of the resources you needed to go on to maturity. Put in another way, you were not nurtured appropriately by your adult caregivers. When you lack maturity, it means that you lack the resources to view and act upon life’s circumstances as a grown up.

Perhaps one of the best ways to view this experience of being an immature child is to pay attention to children. My son is seven years old. When he is deprived of something he wants like a toy or to play video games, he predictably acts like a child. And as a child he is liable to do a number of things. I have observed him throw stuff at the wall, pout, beg on his knees and express himself quite loudly. His reactions are typically “over the top” and very much like the reactions of any immature child. If all goes according to plan, my son will continue being nurtured and given the resources needed to grow up. Then by the time he reaches adulthood, he will be able to navigate deprivation as a grown up. Let’s envision what that might look like.

Twenty years from now, I can envision my son as an adult being able to accept his circumstances as they are given to him. I can also envision him being able to make the needed adjustments to his attitude and actions in order to handle life on life’s terms. I can see him reaching out to others to express his feelings both moderately and appropriately. If his anger is heightened, I can envision him being able to express it and not let it fester. I can also see him taking the necessary measures to delay gratification and being willing to wait for other opportunities. This is how I can envision my adult son handling being deprived of toys and video games.

When a person is an untreated codependent, as an adult s/he will often find him or herself reverting back to childish ways of thinking and behaving whenever s/he feels deprived. This is especially true when trying to raise a family. If you grew up in a family with one or more untreated codependents, then you yourself may be operating out of the experience of being an immature child in an adult body. There is help for people with codependence and codependent tendencies. The Bridge to Recovery offers medium to long-term residential care and treatment for people who are sick and tired of being governed by their insatiable neediness due to a lack of childhood nurturing. WE CAN HELP. Visit our website at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/ or call us at 877-866-8661.

Part 1: You Might be a Codependent IF...

If you came through The Bridge, then chances are you were awakened to the reality that codependence is the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. This makes plenty of sense because when our growth in childhood is stunted by any number and combination of phenomena, our attempts to go on to maturity will be frustrated.

They will remain frustrated until we consciously begin the process of growing up. This blog entry is a simple reminder of some of the common experiences that can make people vulnerable to codependence and lead them straight toward the experience of being that immature child trapped in an adult body. Over the next couple of weeks, I will expand on these. For now, I will simply list them all and then write in more detail about the first.

Here are some of the prevailing experiences that if left unexplored, they can lead toward a lifetime of codependence:
1. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an addict.
2. Growing up in a family system that was / is governed by an untreated codependent.
3. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been abuse in any or all of its different forms.
4. Growing up in a family system where there is / has been some form of emotional or physical abandonment.
5. Growing up in a family system that was / is enmeshed.

These are all key ingredients that can contribute to a person's codependence. Now, let's spend a little more time taking an indepth look at #1.

1.) If you grew up in a family system that resembled a dictatorship run by its sickest member, then you may be a prime candidate for codependence. Growing up with an addict of any kind is stressful and it leads one to believe he / she is not worthy of time, love and attention. When the addict in a family system is the overbearing focus, it can be an emotionally crippling experience for other family members in that system.

Growing up in the home of an addict can lead you toward the experience of being an immature child in an adult body because your value as a person is brought into question on a consistent basis. When that is the case, you are forced to grow up too soon in order to get your needs met. It is important to remember that this phenomenon is not just reserved for people growing up in homes where the addict is addicted to ingested substances (i.e. -- drugs and alcohol). The addiction could be to any person, place, process or thing that happens to require inordinate amounts of attention and preoccupation on the part of the one who is using it.

If the addiction prevents the addict from engaging in intimate and nurturing relationships and fulfilling his / her routine responsibilities, then this can pose a unique set of problems for the rest of the addict's family members. These problems will ultimately manifest in a predictable form that many experts call codependence.

If you suspect that you grew up in a family of origin where an addict was "running the show", there is a good chance that you are encountering life situations that you find overwhelming, highly stressful and quite unmanageable. This is due to the fact that you were forced to grow up too soon. Thus, you are having the experience of being an immature child trapped in an adult body. The Bridge to Recovery can help. For more information about our program, please visit us at http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/.

Watch for our next blog entry as we discuss how growing up in a home with an untreated codependent can actually perpetuate your own codependence even after you have left your childhood family system behind.