Silencing Shaming Self Talk

“I am such a loser.” “How could I be so stupid?” “How could I have been so irresponsible?” “I should have known better.” “I’m a fraud.” “I deserve what I get.” “I’m not important.” “I am a waste of time.”

When something in my life goes wrong, these are the kinds of thoughts that can dominate my thinking. Recovery teaches me that such thoughts are not part of the standard equipment my Creator gave me. They were instilled within by important people like preachers, parents, coaches and teachers. These were well-intentioned people who misunderstood how to help nurture and grow impressionable young minds. Their life instructions were tainted by their own childhood wounds.

The problem I have had with my parents and/or other authority figures is the same problem we’ve all had. All of them had parents! More so, their parents’ parents and their parents’ grandparents had parents too. So, who’s to blame for the presence of shaming self-talk? Everyone and no one. That’s why we refer to codependency and addiction as no fault diseases.
The nature of such diseases is that the twisted thinking and acting that goes with them gets handed down through the generations with little or no scrutiny.

When left unchallenged, diseased thinking and acting become normalized and go unnoticed. As I work my program, I am discovering that I have allowed some diseased thoughts to live rent free in my head. But through recovery, I am learning how to distinguish between which thoughts are mine and which thoughts come from others. I am also learning how to deal with them. Here are three ways I am doing this:

1. I ask if my thinking is based in reality and self-respect. If my mental messages are over-qualifying (i.e. you always, you never, you can’t, you won’t, etc.) or if they put negative labels on me (i.e. stupid, idiot, waste of time, etc.), then I know they came from the outside. Over-qualifying and disrespectful messages need to be scrutinized. I do not need to give such messages absolute power over me.

2. I outsource my thinking for analysis by others. At The Bridge to Recovery we call this “getting objective data” or “good orderly direction”. Sponsors and recovering peers are excellent resources for us as we scrutinize and expel the negative messages and shaming voices in our heads.

3. I ask if I am thinking redemptive thoughts. Shaming self-talk condemns and isolates me. It prevents me from seeing hope and getting help. Redemption speaks of new beginnings, new opportunities and new ways to embrace the mysteries that life generates. I know that shaming from the outside has infiltrated my thinking when I can’t see hope beyond my character defects.

When things in my life go wrong, I need to keep my thoughts in check. When I can distinguish between my own thoughts and shaming self talk from outside sources, my Higher Power helps me see clearly that I am loved and a part of something much bigger than me. When shaming self-talk is silenced, I am less likely to medicate the pain such messages produce in my life. I am more inclined to concentrate on the good, right and noble truths about whom I am and where I am going. Inevitably, this points me toward more positive ways of being in this world the way my Creator intended me to be.