Toxic Shame Cover Ups, Part 4

There are many ways that people will try to cover up the feelings of being bad, tainted, worthless and embarrassed that seem to go hand in hand with shame. Here we continue our conversation about some of the ways shame bound people try to deal with the pain. Three are explored here and they include patronizing, caretaking and people pleasing.

Patronizing – To patronize is to support, protect and champion someone who is unequal in benefits, knowledge or power, but who has not asked for your support, protection or championing. It is a way to feel one-up on another person. And whenever a shame bound person can feel “one-up” on someone else, then that is perceived as a good day. It’s a “good day” because the shame bound person gets another chance to dodge the pain of self examination.

Caretaking & Helping – A person with toxic shame feels powerless and helpless. Whenever such a person can alter these feelings by helping and taking care of others, s/he feels good. The goal of the caretaker is the caretaking, not the good of the person cared for. Some experts consider caretaking to be one of the major interpersonal addictions that often gets overlooked.

People Pleasing & Being Nice – People pleasers are often the most compliant and cooperative people on the planet. However, they might also be the most dishonest as well. They say yes when they really mean no. They are compelled to be sacrificial. However, this sacrificial behavior is what Carol Cannon calls, “behavior without choice”. They will smile on the outside and yet be falling apart on the inside. They are terrified at the thought of telling their truth if that truth creates waves. Sometimes people pleasers tell lies even when there is no real threat. Nice people and People pleasers maintain their façade of compliant cooperation in order to manipulate others and avoid any real emotional contact and intimacy. By avoiding intimacy, s/he can ensure that no one will see him/her as s/he truly is.

The Bridge to Recovery helps shame bound people get free from the shackles of their dis-ease. For more information, please give us a call at 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.