Common Toxic Shame Cover-Ups: Part 3

Today’s entry continues our conversation about common cover ups for toxic shame. Shame is a debilitating affect and at toxic levels, it prevents someone from living life as it was meant to be lived. If someone is bound up with toxic shame, the last thing s/he wants is to be exposed or “found out”. Thus, the cover-ups we have been discussing from John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You. Three more are discussed here and they are arrogance, criticism & blaming and judgmentalism & moralizing.

Arrogance – In an attempt to hide the shame one might be feeling, an often used cover-up is self inflation. The use of arrogance, or offensively exaggerating one’s own importance, is one way a person can alter his/her shame based mood. By inflating one’s own importance, the user of arrogance feels better than others at the expense of others.

Criticism and Blaming – Criticism and blame are the most common ways that shame is interpersonally transferred. When someone feels put down and humiliated, s/he can reduce this feeling by criticizing and blaming someone else. Once again, the person using these cover ups feels better at the expense of others who may feel lesser than after having been criticized and blamed. Criticism and blame points the finger at someone else. It also diverts the shame bound person from taking personal responsibility for any legitimate character defects in need of removal (See Steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps of A.A.). Thus, it may give the shame bound person temporary relief from the pain of their toxic shame, but it is not a lasting way to get the relief one seeks.

Judgmentalism & Moralizing – The shame bound person’s use of judgmentalism and moralizing are ways in which to inject “god” and religion into the cover up process. When the shame bound person condemns others as bad or sinful, it alters his / her own self perception. The righteous feeling of being “one up” on others can lead the shame bound person to use judgmentalism and moralizing again and again. As a result, the shame bound person may be drawn into a religious addiction as a way to cope with the pain that persists beneath the surface of one’s life.

The Bridge to Recovery specializes in treating people who wrestle with feelings of worthlessness and who believe that they will never be good enough. Give us a call and let us help you help yourself. For more information, dial 877-866-8661 or visit us online at www.thebridgetorecovery.com.